Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

Going back into adult Jill's past to the time of pubescent (Gross word, I know), emerging teenager Jill. I was in eighth grade... What a crappy time of life. Everything about yourself is changing, and you hate it all. I was very emotional in eighth grade, as I'm sure most of you reading this were as well. It's just a really rough time in an adolescent's life. On top of being very emotional, I listened to a lot of angry music which didn't help my unpleasant disposition. And then to top it all off, a very close friend of mine that went to my church passed away. He inspired me in so many ways, and always had time to give me a hug and a smile. Basically... it broke me. I had never felt so broken in my life. I didn't think I would be able to make it. One particular evening, when the darkness had decide to full on devour every last bit of my soul, I tried to take my life. I overdosed on sleeping pills. A family friend, at the time, brought me to my aunt Gayle...

Yesterday was decent but today has been great! Let's begin with yesterday's events. I passed out on Monday at 8:30pm. That is unheard of in Jill-World, unless I'm sick. But I gloriously slept until 10:39 and I loved every minute of it! My mom woke me up with a phone call that she was at my apartment (don't worry, it was planned, I was just being lazy), so I got up, got dressed and went to let her in. My mom and I had such a nice visit yesterday morning, and she brought Chippy (my parent's Yorkshire Terrier) which was so much fun, but we had to get down to business. We had to prepare for the attorney to call me on Wednesday to fill out the social security disability application over the phone, and we had to dig into my past. And boy did we dig! We scoured the internet, my medical records, doctor appointments, hospitalizations, and my work history to get all of the information (and then some) gathered just to be prepared for any questions that may be asked....

What a day! The day, or should I say the night started off rough for me. I was up late. Mania is in full swing due to bad sleep habits. Yup, sleep has a profound impact on mania and depression. Well, my mania is in effect. I can't sleep, I want to spend money, I want to feel flirty, I want to eat junk food, and the worst of all of this is... I have! I've been staying up until 3:30-4:00am. I have been decent with spending money... I've spent a little, but not so much. But still, I shouldn't be spending ANY! UGH!!! I have been trying to be sexy towards Matt, but we are just not on the same wave length lately. And the worst part about last night, in my opinion, I binged on junk food. Yeah, when I say I binged, I don't mean "Oh my God! Like, I ate half a bag of chips! I'm such a fatty!" I mean I full on binged! When I am stressed or manic, I have a reoccurring eating disorder. I am an overeater, hence the heaviest weight ever... Bleh! So that w...

I don't know about the rest of this world or anyone who reads this, but I am a very judgmental person. I judge others on all kinds of things. The way they drive, dress, talk, eat, what they spend their money on, do to their hair, the music they like, and so on and so forth. I don't know exactly why I judge people, but I have a guess...  I was raised to care about how you look on the outside. To be the best you, despite your circumstances. In other words, to care what everyone else thinks of you, and in return, to think that others care about what you think of them. What a load of bullshit. Ugh! I can't tell you what a waste of time it is to care what others think of you. And I can't tell you how hard it is to stop judging once you've started! The worst part is I used to be so judgmental and then I finally began to tone it down, and then one day, Matt started acting really judgmental towards some people we were sitting by, and I couldn't believe it... M...

Can you guess? You know you're depressed when you have been binge eating late at night because you can't sleep and you are unbelievably stressed out and anxious. Therefore, you weighed in last night at your heaviest weight yet. Yup. That friggin' sucks. Because of last night, I changed what I was doing, because what I was doing obviously got me into that predicament, so doing something else will hopefully get me out of this rut. So, last night I went to bed and was asleep by 10:00. I set up an alarm for 9 o'clock am so I wouldn't sleep all day (like I normally do). In addition to the alarm, I put my phone across the bedroom so I would have to get up when my alarm went off. And when I woke up, I went straight into the kitchen and made my breakfast shake. Talk about a great start to your day! Setting a goal and actually sticking to it! I can tell however that I set too many goals for myself today, some of which included getting all the...

So, I have decided to write about some of my past ups and downs in my blog. Writing about something that happened a few days ago and reliving it, processing it, and putting it away is one thing... Opening up the wounds from the past? That's a whole different ball park. There are a lot of things that have happened in my past that I am in no way proud of, and horribly embarrassed to write about, as well as relive. My past tears my heart open and leaves it to bleed out on the floor, just watching. But the first step in moving on and changing yourself is coming to terms with your past, processing those memories and emotions, and then putting them away, not to be forgotten, but to be forgiven instead. Holy fuck (pardon that)! I am so anxious to write about what has happened to me as well as what I have done in the past. It really does haunt me... I am so scared as to what people will think of me. It's a silly fear, really... The only opinion that matters is mine, but still...