Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

Do you ever feel useless? Like, completely, totally, and utterly useless? I'm struggling through this right now. I'm struggling with this post right now. I hate not working. I hate not feeling like I am making a difference or contributing. I hate committing to something and quitting after a week. I hate my fear of being successful and happy. I hate my flighty tendencies. I HATE ALL OF THESE THINGS WITH A PASSION! How come then I am able to hate these things so much but struggle with changing them about myself? Why is it easier for me to sit in my "hate stew" and absorb the hate until it has seeped into my core rather than simply get out of my stew pot and move onward and upward? Why do I sabotage myself and continually climb back into my stew pot to absorb more of what I hate? Why? I'll tell you why... It's so much easier for me to sit in this stew pot and hate these things about myself than it actually is to physically change. It's ...

Why is it easy to find the words when I am miserable. Today I am happy, however, after reading a blog that a friend of mine writes, I am beyond angry and upset. It isn't fair! The shit she has gone through throughout her life... It isn't fair. I hate being an empath sometimes. I don't even have to be around people and I can absorb their emotions simply from reading about them. Sucks. This is my short little angry post.

Where do I begin? I know where I would have liked to have ended. That's sad, isn't it? Well, that's depression. Sometimes I feel good. And sometimes I feel bad. And other times... the very air I breathe feels like poison in my lungs, and surviving is my only option, even it means turning away from something good and running like hell in a new direction. Yup, you read that correctly. I am in flight-mode hardcore. My body is shutting down. Every now and then I'm able to fake it for a few hours. Like, when Matt comes home from work and we run up town to get pills and pizza. Yup, that's basically it. Pills and pizza. My psychiatrist added Ativan to my pill cocktail yesterday. I'm only supposed to take it as needed and use my DBT training for the most part. Living in today's world, working at something sounds like... work. I'd rather have the instant gratification and numbing effect of a small pill take ahold of me. People will find out soon. ...

It happened again. Sitting on the couch, putzing around on my phone. Waking up on the floor to my dog licking me with a bump on my head. I either fainted, or I had a seizure. And given my past, I think it is safe to say that I most likely had a seizure. Time to stop what I am doing, take a step back, and reevaluate this situation. Why did I have a seizure? - I am stressed out like a mother trucker. Why am I stressed out? - Getting yelled at by people at work all day, working long hours, not forcing myself to take my lunch breaks, feeling like I have had little to no training and yet I am expected to know how to do quite a bit. Okay, so work is stressing me out. Now, what should I do? - Well, I shouldn't call in. I should really still go into work. But I want to run. I want to run far and I want to run fast. I can admit it this time. I don't like this job. I am not comfortable in this job. But I need to pay bills. I need to contribute. I cannot simply qu...

I am here. I don't want to be here. I don't know where I want to be, but I know it's not here. In this place. In this position, yet again. I lost my job today. Too many absences. And yes, I may have just been a "temp", however, I need that income. My husband and I need that income to survive. I require health insurance. I require medications. I require routine psychiatrist, doctor, and therapist visits. I require things that cost money. A lot of money. These aren't frivolities of everyday fun... THIS IS MY LIFE. This is my everyday existence... My constant uphill battle within my head and heart. I always hated that question... what do you want to be when you grow up? I don't fucking know! I didn't know then and I sure as hell don't know now, and I think we can all agree that that is pretty obvious. I need a job. I hate working. I hate leaving the sanctity of my home. The comforts of my pajamas. And yet, I crave being out there with ...

So, Matt and I got into a discussion last night. Basically, we have come to the conclusion that we are like good friends in a comfortable roommate situation. This conclusion didn't sit well with either of us. So, we have made a plan of action and are going to start abiding by it to make this work the way we want it to. Now, I am left here, on my computer, watching the episode of The Office where Jim proposes to Pam in the rain at the gas station. It is right before he leaves to meet her, and I've paused the episode to write this post. The day Matt proposed to me, was, what I thought at the time, the happiest day of my life. I was wrong, however. It was the day I became his wife. Don't judge me for this, but I don't remember much of the important stuff that day. Okay, I remember the flowers, seeing him, the kiss, the laughing, the dancing, the food, the love, the happily ever after... But I do not remember much of the ceremony, which I have always thought to ...

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I have updated or posted anything. Life has taken quite a dramatic turn for my family and me... Matt and I moved in with my parents a while back. Since then, we have talked about moving out and renting a house, however, we have decided to hold off on this temporarily. We are in the midst of taking care of some bills and paying down debts while also enjoying the benefits of currently living rent-free.  I have left school and since then, I have dipped my toes into some other waters and have learned a lot about myself and what exactly I am capable of.  Matt took on a second part-time job, which he is in the final days of. He put in his notice last weekend.  I have accepted a position with a company that will be opening shortly. I will be training as a supervisor, and I couldn't be more excited about the opportunities that are coming mine and Matt's way!  ____ I took a brief hiatus from my blog as to keep ...