With courage comes peace
The title says it all...
I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace.
After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together.
Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. How much I missed him and snuggling up to him at night and falling asleep in his strong arms.
He asked me if it was just a down kind of night, or if I was actually depressed because of my bipolar disorder.
I took some time to think on this. At first I was offended, but then I really began to think about it.
Was I upset because I was falling into a depression, or was I just having a rough night?
I began to meditate, as best as I could between the sobs, and I tried my hardest to concentrate on belly breathing and focusing my thoughts. I began to think about the saying, "It's just a bad day, not a bad life." This quote rang so true with me last night. I talked myself back up. I told myself that I am allowed to be sad and kind of down tonight. HOWEVER, I told myself that the moment I woke up in the morning, I would not allow myself to be swallowed up by the ever present darkness looming in the periphery of my mind's eye.
Aaaannnnnnnddd... it worked! I woke up and I felt good, despite the rainy, cloudy day outside.
In addition to last night, I told my dad about enrolling and being in school... finally! Ha ha!
He took it pretty well. It was hard for him to hear I wouldn't be going to a University at first, but he began to warm up to the idea of it (and the reality of it all) the more we talked as a family.
I was so nervous to tell him. I was afraid of the possible conflict that could arise from telling him this news. However, at my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I felt ready to tell him. I was no longer afraid, because I know my dad's concerns and I know that ultimately he will support my decision because he loves me. What was there to fear? And the hiding and secrecy was just miserable.
After all of these storms and the courage I had to face them... there came an overwhelming sense of peace that blanketed me tonight, and it is comforting.
I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace.
After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together.
Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. How much I missed him and snuggling up to him at night and falling asleep in his strong arms.
He asked me if it was just a down kind of night, or if I was actually depressed because of my bipolar disorder.
I took some time to think on this. At first I was offended, but then I really began to think about it.
Was I upset because I was falling into a depression, or was I just having a rough night?
I began to meditate, as best as I could between the sobs, and I tried my hardest to concentrate on belly breathing and focusing my thoughts. I began to think about the saying, "It's just a bad day, not a bad life." This quote rang so true with me last night. I talked myself back up. I told myself that I am allowed to be sad and kind of down tonight. HOWEVER, I told myself that the moment I woke up in the morning, I would not allow myself to be swallowed up by the ever present darkness looming in the periphery of my mind's eye.
Aaaannnnnnnddd... it worked! I woke up and I felt good, despite the rainy, cloudy day outside.
In addition to last night, I told my dad about enrolling and being in school... finally! Ha ha!
He took it pretty well. It was hard for him to hear I wouldn't be going to a University at first, but he began to warm up to the idea of it (and the reality of it all) the more we talked as a family.
I was so nervous to tell him. I was afraid of the possible conflict that could arise from telling him this news. However, at my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I felt ready to tell him. I was no longer afraid, because I know my dad's concerns and I know that ultimately he will support my decision because he loves me. What was there to fear? And the hiding and secrecy was just miserable.
After all of these storms and the courage I had to face them... there came an overwhelming sense of peace that blanketed me tonight, and it is comforting.
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