Living high on the hog
Okay, so it is kind of a ridiculous title... It's something my mom says quite a bit when we've been spending too much or living a little too extravagantly. Which has been my life, as of late.
I've been manic.
I hate when I'm manic. I'm completely aware that I am manic, however so is my husband. I suppose after 10 years together he's gotten really good at spotting the signs and symptoms of my mania.
For example, I've been very chatty lately and very busy. All fine and dandy, but I have overbooked myself and worn myself thin. That's why I got sick last week with viral bronchitis... that and Matt had it and got me sick.
Another example of my mania would be my money spending. I have been shopping like I have a money tree in full bloom in the backyard. It's kind of crazy, actually. For a long time, I haven't shopped and I've been really level, however I am starting to spend again and I need to reign it in.
And the last example I have, which for me is the most humiliating example, would be school. I missed several assignments this weekend in my classes. It was nobody's fault except my own. My friends at girl's weekend even tried to get me to do my homework, but I was so caught up in the fun of it all that I didn't want to be bothered with it.
It sucks. I feel so guilty about it, and I was really crabby because I had so much guilt on me. I was snappy at my mom, dad, and Matt. I just want so badly to succeed and do well in school, so I felt really stupid once I realized that I had forgotten/been lazy about not doing my homework.
I'm hoping it doesn't impact my grades horribly and that I can at least pull off a decent grade, but man am I kicking myself for it!
Matt can always tell when I'm level, depressed, manic... whatever. He's been with me long enough to know the signs. He approached me the other day and asked if I was manic. It's hard to respond to that. I know that I am, but if I say yes... I'm admitting my mania to myself and then I can't "play stupid" and just ignore it any longer, which is what I some times like to do.
Some times, when you are living with a mental illness, it is fun to play pretend and act like, this is just you! You are just bubbly, kind, caring, frivolous, and fun. That's just your nature!
But it's not ALL of my nature. I'm also a storm that's brewing. I'm also a dark hole of emptiness.
However, manic-me is just so much more fun to hang out with. Yeah, she a little on edge most of the time, but she's the life of the party!
And as soon as Matt called me on it, which I appreciate, but also hate with a passion, I realized I had to calm down, take a few steps back, and de-clutter my life a bit. Seriously, my planner was unbelievably full and I was fine with it, until something came up and realized all of the other crap I really NEEDED to do elsewhere in my life.
And to top it off... Yeah, there's more!... I've been having a harder time taking my medications lately.
I never understood how people could just forget about them because they felt "fine". Well, for the first time in my life, I feel "fine" and it is easy to forget/ignore them. Which adds to the mania and depression.
So, I'm trying to organize my life a bit better. Trying to say "no" to more things and simplify.
It's hard though.
I've been manic.
I hate when I'm manic. I'm completely aware that I am manic, however so is my husband. I suppose after 10 years together he's gotten really good at spotting the signs and symptoms of my mania.
For example, I've been very chatty lately and very busy. All fine and dandy, but I have overbooked myself and worn myself thin. That's why I got sick last week with viral bronchitis... that and Matt had it and got me sick.
Another example of my mania would be my money spending. I have been shopping like I have a money tree in full bloom in the backyard. It's kind of crazy, actually. For a long time, I haven't shopped and I've been really level, however I am starting to spend again and I need to reign it in.
And the last example I have, which for me is the most humiliating example, would be school. I missed several assignments this weekend in my classes. It was nobody's fault except my own. My friends at girl's weekend even tried to get me to do my homework, but I was so caught up in the fun of it all that I didn't want to be bothered with it.
It sucks. I feel so guilty about it, and I was really crabby because I had so much guilt on me. I was snappy at my mom, dad, and Matt. I just want so badly to succeed and do well in school, so I felt really stupid once I realized that I had forgotten/been lazy about not doing my homework.
I'm hoping it doesn't impact my grades horribly and that I can at least pull off a decent grade, but man am I kicking myself for it!
Matt can always tell when I'm level, depressed, manic... whatever. He's been with me long enough to know the signs. He approached me the other day and asked if I was manic. It's hard to respond to that. I know that I am, but if I say yes... I'm admitting my mania to myself and then I can't "play stupid" and just ignore it any longer, which is what I some times like to do.
Some times, when you are living with a mental illness, it is fun to play pretend and act like, this is just you! You are just bubbly, kind, caring, frivolous, and fun. That's just your nature!
But it's not ALL of my nature. I'm also a storm that's brewing. I'm also a dark hole of emptiness.
However, manic-me is just so much more fun to hang out with. Yeah, she a little on edge most of the time, but she's the life of the party!
And as soon as Matt called me on it, which I appreciate, but also hate with a passion, I realized I had to calm down, take a few steps back, and de-clutter my life a bit. Seriously, my planner was unbelievably full and I was fine with it, until something came up and realized all of the other crap I really NEEDED to do elsewhere in my life.
And to top it off... Yeah, there's more!... I've been having a harder time taking my medications lately.
I never understood how people could just forget about them because they felt "fine". Well, for the first time in my life, I feel "fine" and it is easy to forget/ignore them. Which adds to the mania and depression.
So, I'm trying to organize my life a bit better. Trying to say "no" to more things and simplify.
It's hard though.
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