Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

Sometimes things happen in our lives for a reason . You know when you are sitting in a coffee shop with another person, just talking... and you have a funny feeling that in this moment... this is exactly where you are meant to be. Talking to them. Sharing your heart, your interests, your fears, your hopes and dreams. That happened to me the other day with a friend of mine who I feel is coming back into my life at just the right time and for all of the right reasons. We were in the middle of our conversation, when I looked her in the eyes and said, "Doesn't this feel so serendipitous?" She agreed and we continued to piece together the puzzle of our wanting to see one another in strange and thought-provoking connections and signs. It was truly amazing and very moving. It's funny how people come and go in our lives... every day. It's also a funny thing how you can think you have wronged someone, and in reality, they simply love you and want you to be hap...

Why can I not access my full potential? What is holding me back? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? What is it? Why does my mind have to be conditioned to run at the first sign of "failure"? I have been raised believing that success comes at a cost... that cost is your happiness. I have also been raised to be concerned about what others think of me. Therefore, failure is not an option. Right now, with the state my mind is in, I feel like a failure. But... why? Why should I feel as if I have failed? As a dear friend of mine told me today... She has, in her life, made a lot of mistakes, but she hasn't failed. She either succeeds or she learns. Never failing, but learning along the way... always. Some days, some nights, some times in our lives, the quicksand of depression pulls at our ankles, and it pulls hard and fast. Wanting nothing more than to consume all things good in our lives. Do you let it? I have let it pull me in. Consume me. Engulf me. Suffocate me...

My heart aches. I feel so blessed in my own life, but today my heart aches. More people dead. More violence. More family who will never again get to hold their loved ones. More friends who will never get to say goodbye to their dear friends. The hate. The anguish. The turmoil. What was it? Was it something someone said? Something someone didn't say? The way someone looked at you? Were you excluded? Were you popular? Why did you do it? What kind of hatred would consume your heart in such a way to push you to do what you did? Why? Dammit! WHY?! Please, by all means, pray, send positive vibes, positive thoughts, love, good juju, whatever will get you through this. But I also ask you to consider the idea that God will not fix this, but instead, we need to stand up and take responsibility and start taking care of one another. We are all so easily consumed with thoughts of what we believe to be right and wrong. So much so that we get angry with th...

Okay, so it is kind of a ridiculous title... It's something my mom says quite a bit when we've been spending too much or living a little too extravagantly. Which has been my life, as of late. I've been manic. I hate when I'm manic. I'm completely aware that I am manic, however so is my husband. I suppose after 10 years together he's gotten really good at spotting the signs and symptoms of my mania. For example, I've been very chatty lately and very busy. All fine and dandy, but I have overbooked myself and worn myself thin. That's why I got sick last week with viral bronchitis... that and Matt had it and got me sick. Another example of my mania would be my money spending. I have been shopping like I have a money tree in full bloom in the backyard. It's kind of crazy, actually. For a long time, I haven't shopped and I've been really level, however I am starting to spend again and I need to reign it in. And the last example I have, wh...

I have been bothered by something lately and I wasn't able to put my finger on it until today on my way to the salon. Last night, I decided I wanted to go from my blunt, chin-length, deep red hair style, to an edgy, blonde, pixie cut. I have always wanted to attempt a pixie, but I never felt it would suit my face or that I was brave enough to feel pretty without long hair. I have also been messing with my hair A LOT lately. I couldn't make up my mind about what I wanted to do with it and nothing was "quite right" for what I didn't know I was looking for. I pinned some ideas on Pinterest last night. I was ready. This was going to happen in about a week at the earliest. I called the salon this morning... They could get me in a noon today. HOLY CRAP! This was happening! Not only was it happening, but the time was 10:30AM, so it was happening in 90 minutes! No going back now! While on my way to the salon, I toyed with ideas of how it would turn out and all...

My school hosted a career fair today at their Brooklyn Park location. My mom and I both attended it. At first when I received the email regarding the career fair, I was like, "Oh sure I'll sign up." But I truly had no intention of going. I'm interested, however, I just began this career path and I don't think it will benefit me very much. Well, my advisor kept emailing me about the career fair this, the career fair that. Then, my admissions advisor gives me a call and leaves me a voicemail... She tells me how happy she would be to accept my LinkedIn connection, and then she proceeds to ask me if I am attending the career fair... HOLY CRAP! I GET THE HINT! Ha ha! Well, I finally tell my therapist that I will not be able to attend therapy this week and that I'm going to the career fair. Yeah... they won me over. My mom and I get there and there are tons of advisors to greet us and direct us to the correct location for my mock interview where I will be...

The title says it all... I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace. After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together. Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. ...