The letter to her.

It hurt so bad tonight.

I had such a great day today, that's what sucks the most about this. I hurt.

At first I was just thinking about you. It made me smile to remember those good times, but soon the smile faded, just like you. Right out of my memory.

Then the anger came. Hot, angry tears filled my eyes. I wanted to call you and tell you how you've broken my heart, yell at you about how you haven't been there like a friend should be. So much has happened and I have needed you! The holiday party went down all wrong, and I am partially to blame for that. My mom is being treated with chemo and you don't even ask how she is. It is so awful how you asked Matt how you could be there for me, but then don't show up to the table when shit hits the fan. Oh and by the way, my birthday was fabulous... Not that you took any interest in a phone call or even a text.

I have a letter on my computer... I've been sitting on it since January 25th. It's been re-written numerous times. I haven't sent it because writing it and releasing it was so therapeutic for me.

That was until tonight.

The memories weren't so happy anymore. From the past two years there's not much to say about our friendship.

Tonight when I thought of you, it was a horrible pain in my gut. I wanted to scream! I knew I wasn't over it, and nothing had been released.

So, I ran to my computer (and in our apartment, running somewhere is quite the feat) and clicked on my email. I typed your name into the recipient box, attached the letter, and hit send before I could even think straight.

Then I broke. I cried. I cried for all of the nasty thoughts I had about you. You are (maybe now "were") my best friend. And what honestly sucks the most about all of this is I still love you and care about you more than anything!

I don't tell people, but I think about you all the time. I miss talking to you. I miss working out with you and then canceling out the workout we just did by drinking a bottle of wine! I miss everything that we were about!

I think that's why it hurts so much. Because I still care so deeply for you. Even after all of this, if you walked back into my life and said you wanted to be my friend, I would forgive everything and be your friend.

You probably don't read my blog. But on the off-chance that you do I want to say...
I miss you. I will always be here, just a text or phone call away if the shit ever hits the fan in your life. I want you to know how amazing I think you are, inside and out. And... I love you. I love you like a sister. We may fight, and go our separate ways, but I will always come back for you.

I hope you will come back for me someday.

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