The person I want to be

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and asked yourself, "how did I get here?"

I'm having one of those nights tonight.

I've been having a long talk with God and I feel frustrated because I just feel like I'm talking in circles and rambling on and on. It's like... Uhhh! Enough already!

I'm really new with my faith and I'm extremely new at having conversations with God. (I would love to tell my coming-to-faith story, but we will save that for another day!)

I've found myself in a predicament lately because I've been taking really good care of my skin, hair, nails, feet, but not really what goes into my body... the core of it all.
A friend of mine and I just started a weight loss challenge, and both of us were doing great on our nutrition plans before that, but for some reason, when the challenge hit... (I can't speak for her) I froze. I panicked and felt as if I wouldn't be good enough... As if I didn't deserve to win. How could I ever compete with such athletes... I'm no athlete! So I've been floundering a bit lately... I don't know if I should just keep going to the challenges but not weigh in, go weigh in and just not look at it, or what?

It is so freaking frustrating that whenever a challenge or stressful event presents itself in my life... I choke!

So tonight, God and I are not seeing eye-to-eye.

So, I forced myself to see myself through (what I think would be) God's eyes. I looked at myself in the mirror for a while. And then I cried.

I have been so blessed to find someone who can love me when I am finding it hard to love myself.

I don't like what I see, but I know I have the power to change it.
Why to challenges seem to just shut me down?
Why is change so hard?
Do I really have to love ALL of myself?
Do I deserve to be happy?

The answers are not easy to come by. I can answer three of them... Change is hard because it challenges us. I do have to love ALL of myself. And YES, I do deserve happiness. But the last one is where God and I are struggling tonight.

I feel like I'm at the top of the mountain by asking the question out loud and just about to discover what's on the other side, but I'm just not brave enough yet to look over the peak...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why?

Why do I let you consume my life at times and enter my mind? Maybe it's because you have wronged me worse than anyone ever has in my life. Why do I let the horrible things you say to us overwhelm me and make me feel like I could just break down and cry? Because you have not only picked a fight with me, but my husband as well. Why do I let you get away with things that I know are not okay? Because I think you are my friend, or are you? Why am I even giving any of you the time of day at this very moment?! Because sometimes the negativity in this world is overwhelming. And it overwhelms me to see people post and share and tweet and whatever such harmful and negative things. How can one see only the bad in a situation? How can one only focus on the bad one may be doing? What is the good? Where is the good? I feel so often, lately, as if I am drowning in a sea of blackness with all of your negative remarks and comments. How do you hold your head above water? I do it long enough
Read more

With courage comes peace

The title says it all... I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace. After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together. Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has.
Read more