And yet he stays

I push him away.

Doubting myself has always been my forte. Doubting my self-worth. Doubting my career. Doubting my choices. Doubting him.

So, I push him away.

I tell him that I am done. I don't want this marriage anymore. My heart cannot handle the turmoil inside my head, let alone the thought that he will one day disappear into oblivion and I will either already be there waiting for him, or I will be left here on this desolate planet without him.

I can't stand the thought of losing him. So, why not push him away and be the first to walk away. Then, he will lose me and I will be able to live knowing he will move on and I will have been the one who chose this.

I couldn't stand the thought of him choosing to leave me. So, I will leave first.

If I yell and say some really awful things, maybe he will be okay with me leaving. Maybe it will help him to heal and move on faster. Maybe... he won't love me anymore...

And yet... he stays.

He looks me in the eyes and pulls me close. My head falls into the spot between his neck and shoulder. The spot that has always felt as though it was made like a puzzle and I am the missing piece that fits there so perfectly.

The tears flow faster, but more silently now. I know he is smiling while he holds me. He's not laughing at me by any means, but he is smiling because he knows that I know he will never leave me.

He is a hard working man. So why should I be surprised that he puts forth the same type of work ethic into our marriage?

He squeezes me a little tighter and whispers I love you into my ear.

Then he says to me, "I want you to say out loud 'I am a good person.'"

I squirm a little bit in his grasp, but he is persistent. So, I say it.

Instantly, a wave of calmness washes over me and I am so aware that this man is my soulmate. The kind of man Disney hasn't even begun to dream up yet because he is so amazing.

I love him. I hate him. I like him. I'm angry with him. I push him away.

And yet he stays.

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