Posts

Showing posts from 2016

What it means to be his wife

So, Matt and I got into a discussion last night. Basically, we have come to the conclusion that we are like good friends in a comfortable roommate situation.

This conclusion didn't sit well with either of us. So, we have made a plan of action and are going to start abiding by it to make this work the way we want it to.

Now, I am left here, on my computer, watching the episode of The Office where Jim proposes to Pam in the rain at the gas station. It is right before he leaves to meet her, and I've paused the episode to write this post.

The day Matt proposed to me, was, what I thought at the time, the happiest day of my life.

I was wrong, however. It was the day I became his wife.

Don't judge me for this, but I don't remember much of the important stuff that day.

Okay, I remember the flowers, seeing him, the kiss, the laughing, the dancing, the food, the love, the happily ever after... But I do not remember much of the ceremony, which I have always thought to be the most…

Becoming the storm

Image
I'm sorry that it has been so long since I have updated or posted anything. Life has taken quite a dramatic turn for my family and me...
Matt and I moved in with my parents a while back. Since then, we have talked about moving out and renting a house, however, we have decided to hold off on this temporarily. We are in the midst of taking care of some bills and paying down debts while also enjoying the benefits of currently living rent-free. 
I have left school and since then, I have dipped my toes into some other waters and have learned a lot about myself and what exactly I am capable of. 
Matt took on a second part-time job, which he is in the final days of. He put in his notice last weekend. 
I have accepted a position with a company that will be opening shortly. I will be training as a supervisor, and I couldn't be more excited about the opportunities that are coming mine and Matt's way! 
____

I took a brief hiatus from my blog as to keep on myself a little bit better a…

Tulips in the garden

Image
Tulips.
They are, and always have been my favorite flowers.
This time of the year, they seem to pop up all over the place. Even in grocery stores! 
At first, green. Then a bud of color before the explosion of yellow, red, pink, coral, purple...
Tulips.
My favorite.
I bought some for myself the other day. I don't know why I felt compelled to do so, but I did.
Perhaps it is because Mother's day is tomorrow.
I am blessed with the most caring and kindhearted mother anyone could ask for.
But my tulips weren't for her.
They were mine.
They've become magnificent. Blooming in red and green. 
Popping.
An explosion... of my heart.
I will always remember the last four times my heart exploded.
With each little positive sign. With each spike in that heart monitor. With every beat of their hearts.
My tulips didn't survive the past several winters.
How my heart aches for the first signs of spring... Those wretched winters that stole my tulips and ripped away my heart in a literal…

Who is the enemy?

Everything hurts.

Existing is difficult.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I'm not trying to be whiny. This is, simply put, the face of depression.

I sleep for hours, waking still tired as can be.

I eat until I gorge myself, then continue to starve myself until the next day's gorging.

My eyes water, and yet no tears fall anymore.

I can laugh, but the laughter and smiles do not touch my eyes or my heart.

Being alone in a black fortress of solitude is all that I crave.

Allowing myself to be swallowed whole into the abyss that is my mind.

Thoughts moving at the pace of sloth-like monsters that gradually enter my consciousness and force me to examine my every move. My every wrongdoing throughout my life. Every word that has ever burst forth past my lips to become something put out into the atmosphere that I can never take back...

It lingers.

Stale.

The shower burns.

Not for the reasons you may think, however. Everything burns my skin. Every touch from another living being. Every piece of c…

And yet he stays

I push him away.

Doubting myself has always been my forte. Doubting my self-worth. Doubting my career. Doubting my choices. Doubting him.

So, I push him away.

I tell him that I am done. I don't want this marriage anymore. My heart cannot handle the turmoil inside my head, let alone the thought that he will one day disappear into oblivion and I will either already be there waiting for him, or I will be left here on this desolate planet without him.

I can't stand the thought of losing him. So, why not push him away and be the first to walk away. Then, he will lose me and I will be able to live knowing he will move on and I will have been the one who chose this.

I couldn't stand the thought of him choosing to leave me. So, I will leave first.

If I yell and say some really awful things, maybe he will be okay with me leaving. Maybe it will help him to heal and move on faster. Maybe... he won't love me anymore...

And yet... he stays.

He looks me in the eyes and pulls me clos…

Depression, as of late.

Yes, that's right. I am in the darkness attempting to claw my way back out right now. Depression has reared its ugly head and taken ahold of me yet again.

I have been ignoring my therapist's schedule-planning, I haven't been meditating, I have missed several weeks of yoga, I've been eating so much junk and I haven't been working out the way I should be.

What do all of these things have in common, you may ask? Self-care. I'll say it one more time, SELF-CARE.

I spend so much of my time doing for others and being there for others, I've forgotten to look out for me.

I talk about self-care quite a bit, and it seems kind of funny that I would forget to take care of myself when I preach about it so much, however, self-care is such an important part of everyday life for everyone, and when we forget to do it, the way us people-pleasers tend to do, we lose sight of ourselves. Suddenly, my wants and needs are placed on the back burner and I am not succeeding at anythi…

A PSA on healthcare and prescription drugs.

"Hi! I would like to pick up my prescriptions today."
"Great! What is your name?"
"Jillian Anderson."
"One moment, please."
ONE MOMENT LATER...
"Okay, that will be $60 for the anti-anxiety and... oh... $1,119 for the anti-depressant."
"WHAT?! But... I have insurance?"
"Well, ma'am, you also have a $2000 deductible on your insurance."
"I cannot afford that! How much is a one month supply?"
"Oh! Good news! The three month supply is a better deal. One month is approximately $600!"
"That is good news?!"
"Yes! You will be getting a better deal buying three months at a time!"
__________________________
That was at the beginning of January. It is now nearly the middle of February and I still do not have my prescriptions. And if you have been around me when I do not have my medications, you know how freaking scary and important this is! 
My health insurance company is not working …

Matt,

To my husband -

I love you.

Love,
Me

Letting go of the hate

Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it isn't.

From my point of view it wasn't easy.

I was a pessimist and I lived in a dark hole within my head, allowing my negative thoughts to cloud my mind and trick me into thinking that they were keeping me warm at night.

They weren't.

I picked fights with anyone and everyone. I was always on the lookout for someone who disagreed with me, just so I could start arguing with them. I fought with my family, friends, husband, strangers on social media -- you name it! Everyone who entered my life and cross my path was at risk for hearing the overwhelming shouts and aggressive assertion of my opinions.

I don't know how it happened. I am not sure where or when I began to realize it, but I was not happy with myself and I was projecting my self-hatred onto others in, what I believed to be, the form of my opinions on certain topics and discussions.

It was so unhealthy and I was losing friends and respect fast! But honestly, did it even matter? I…

I have days

I have those days where I push myself so hard that I just collapse onto the bed at night.
I also have those days where sometimes I sleep all night until 4 in the afternoon.

Sometimes I have those days where I'm super productive and I get everything on my list done and then some.
Other days, I look at my list of "to do's" and I just want to cry.

Some days I am thrilled to get out and see others.
Then, there are those days where I could hermit myself into my bedroom and be alone.

I have those days where I wake up in a great mood and everything goes right.
I have other days when I wake up in a foul mood and nothing goes right.

On the flip side, I have those days where I am in a good mood and nothing goes right.
And then there are those days where I'm in a terrible mood and some really positive things happen.

Some days I am manic beyond belief and spend ridiculous amounts of money on my credit cards.
Other days I am depressed and the very idea of getting out of bed, …

Fill your cup!

Fill your cup!
What does that mean?

Well, every day you start out with a cup, whether it is half full, half empty, empty, full, anything, that is up to you and how you look at and react to the world around you and well as yourself.

My cup was over flowing the past two weeks. I have had so much that I was giving it away, which for me is not a difficult thing to do. I absolutely love to share my optimism and enthusiasm for life with people all of the time! It is an amazing feeling and very worthwhile.

This week, on the other hand, my cup has been emptying and not refilling the way it has in the past. I had to wonder why this was the case.

I was beginning to feel down on myself and those around me. I even noticed, when working, I was not talking up the products or myself, but rather I was talking the products and myself down to my clients. Not good.

Negativity and pessimism were seeping their way through the cracks of my slowly crumbling enthusiasm. They are two of my worst enemies. They…

Welcome, 2016!

Happy new year my friends!

I'm sorry I have been MIA lately. Very busy with Christmas, school, birthdays, parties, and a new job! That's right, I said JOB!
Only it doesn't feel like a job. When I take a day off (yeah... I choose all the days off I want) I miss it. CRAZY, right? So, you are probably thinking, what has she gotten herself into now?
Well, I will tell you exactly that...
I have become a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant... And I LOVE IT!

I have the opportunity to work as little or as much as I choose! I get to work with AMAZING women (and some amazing men!) and shower them with love, beauty, and some amazing products!

I've tried to sell Mary Kay in the past. However, I went about it all wrong. My intention was lost in the shuffle of life. I wanted to make money, fast, without doing any of the work.

Now, my new year's intention is "COMMITMENT".

It doesn't mean I can never reschedule or call something off...
What it does mean to me is..…