Posts

Showing posts from 2015

Serendipity

Sometimes things happen in our lives for a reason.

You know when you are sitting in a coffee shop with another person, just talking... and you have a funny feeling that in this moment... this is exactly where you are meant to be. Talking to them. Sharing your heart, your interests, your fears, your hopes and dreams.

That happened to me the other day with a friend of mine who I feel is coming back into my life at just the right time and for all of the right reasons.

We were in the middle of our conversation, when I looked her in the eyes and said, "Doesn't this feel so serendipitous?"
She agreed and we continued to piece together the puzzle of our wanting to see one another in strange and thought-provoking connections and signs.

It was truly amazing and very moving.

It's funny how people come and go in our lives... every day.

It's also a funny thing how you can think you have wronged someone, and in reality, they simply love you and want you to be happy.

As my fri…

What holds me back?

Why can I not access my full potential? What is holding me back? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? What is it? Why does my mind have to be conditioned to run at the first sign of "failure"?

I have been raised believing that success comes at a cost... that cost is your happiness. I have also been raised to be concerned about what others think of me. Therefore, failure is not an option.

Right now, with the state my mind is in, I feel like a failure. But... why?

Why should I feel as if I have failed?

As a dear friend of mine told me today... She has, in her life, made a lot of mistakes, but she hasn't failed. She either succeeds or she learns. Never failing, but learning along the way... always.

Some days, some nights, some times in our lives, the quicksand of depression pulls at our ankles, and it pulls hard and fast. Wanting nothing more than to consume all things good in our lives.

Do you let it?

I have let it pull me in. Consume me. Engulf me. Suffocate me. Intoxicate …

United we stand. Divided we shoot one another.

My heart aches.

I feel so blessed in my own life, but today my heart aches.

More people dead.

More violence.

More family who will never again get to hold their loved ones.

More friends who will never get to say goodbye to their dear friends.

The hate.

The anguish.

The turmoil.

What was it?

Was it something someone said?

Something someone didn't say?

The way someone looked at you?

Were you excluded?

Were you popular?

Why did you do it?

What kind of hatred would consume your heart in such a way to push you to do what you did?

Why?

Dammit! WHY?!

Please, by all means, pray, send positive vibes, positive thoughts, love, good juju, whatever will get you through this. But I also ask you to consider the idea that God will not fix this, but instead, we need to stand up and take responsibility and start taking care of one another.

We are all so easily consumed with thoughts of what we believe to be right and wrong. So much so that we get angry with those who believe differently than us. We …

Living high on the hog

Okay, so it is kind of a ridiculous title... It's something my mom says quite a bit when we've been spending too much or living a little too extravagantly. Which has been my life, as of late.

I've been manic.

I hate when I'm manic. I'm completely aware that I am manic, however so is my husband. I suppose after 10 years together he's gotten really good at spotting the signs and symptoms of my mania.

For example, I've been very chatty lately and very busy. All fine and dandy, but I have overbooked myself and worn myself thin. That's why I got sick last week with viral bronchitis... that and Matt had it and got me sick.

Another example of my mania would be my money spending. I have been shopping like I have a money tree in full bloom in the backyard. It's kind of crazy, actually. For a long time, I haven't shopped and I've been really level, however I am starting to spend again and I need to reign it in.

And the last example I have, which for m…

Why I chose to hack off my hair and color it blonde

Image
I have been bothered by something lately and I wasn't able to put my finger on it until today on my way to the salon.

Last night, I decided I wanted to go from my blunt, chin-length, deep red hair style, to an edgy, blonde, pixie cut.

I have always wanted to attempt a pixie, but I never felt it would suit my face or that I was brave enough to feel pretty without long hair.

I have also been messing with my hair A LOT lately. I couldn't make up my mind about what I wanted to do with it and nothing was "quite right" for what I didn't know I was looking for.

I pinned some ideas on Pinterest last night. I was ready. This was going to happen in about a week at the earliest. I called the salon this morning... They could get me in a noon today.

HOLY CRAP! This was happening! Not only was it happening, but the time was 10:30AM, so it was happening in 90 minutes! No going back now!

While on my way to the salon, I toyed with ideas of how it would turn out and all of the dre…

Career Fair!

My school hosted a career fair today at their Brooklyn Park location. My mom and I both attended it.

At first when I received the email regarding the career fair, I was like, "Oh sure I'll sign up." But I truly had no intention of going. I'm interested, however, I just began this career path and I don't think it will benefit me very much.

Well, my advisor kept emailing me about the career fair this, the career fair that. Then, my admissions advisor gives me a call and leaves me a voicemail... She tells me how happy she would be to accept my LinkedIn connection, and then she proceeds to ask me if I am attending the career fair...
HOLY CRAP! I GET THE HINT!

Ha ha!

Well, I finally tell my therapist that I will not be able to attend therapy this week and that I'm going to the career fair. Yeah... they won me over.

My mom and I get there and there are tons of advisors to greet us and direct us to the correct location for my mock interview where I will be interview…

With courage comes peace

The title says it all...

I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace.

After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together.

Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. How m…

3 struggles one may face when undergoing a lifestyle change

As some of my loyal and/or personally close readers know, I have been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a month. I have lost 11 pounds and have built crazy amounts of endurance and muscle meeting with a personal trainer once a week.

It's so much fun to go grocery shopping now! Granted I do it all online through Coborns Delivery, so I don't have to deal with obnoxious and rude cart-wielding customers, and really crappy parking spots, which is amazing!
I look up Pinterest recipes and share the Pinterest board with one of my close friends, and I scour it once a week looking for next week's recipe of choice for a big, left-over-creating meal. I shop, make it on Sunday or Monday, hit the gym, eat healthy, and do it all again next week.
Sounds pretty simple and completely doable right?
Weeeeeeellllllll, yes... and no. 
I know I should be a big ball of positivity about changing my lifestyle for the better, and all of these great things I am doing for myself, but some days i…

Life, love, prayer, kids, and wine.

Image
My first two days of my new job (Wednesday and Thursday) were so great! The kids were just darlings... I mean don't get me wrong, they did test the limits, but they were so good and they have manners, and behave so well! I am so thrilled with this choice in my life and that my trainer chose me and trusted me to do this job.

Wednesday was a long day, especially for my first day working again. The kids were fun and we did a lot of cool stuff together, but man was I tired by the time I got home. And I guess the kids crashed pretty hard too.

Thursday, I met my friend/trainer and the kiddos at the park by my house and we played for over an hour! It was amazing! They ran, they jumped, they climbed, they were swinging... it was just awesome! Then we went back to Mom's and we painted some pie pumpkins and watched Princess and the Frog. One of the kids was fast asleep during the movie (playing is so exhausting!) and the other colored pictures with me while we watched movies and ordered…

Nannying and yoga.

Life has taken and unexpected turn, lately.

I have accepted a part-time nannying job from a friend of mine, and I couldn't be more excited about it! I haven't worked with children for a little over a year and I am so looking forward to working closely with one family and building a relationship with them and her sweet children. I'm sure I will have a lot of adventures to talk about with nannying!

School is school. I am working ahead and trying to accomplish everything during the week and have nothing left to do for the weekend. I really am enjoying my classes so far and full-time is going well, for being in the second week. I am excited about a couple of research projects I have coming up where I get to choose what I research. I chose triple negative breast cancer (what my mom was diagnosed with) and EHR (electronic health records). I think they will make two pretty interesting research topics for my HIT (health information technician) degree.

Lately, my life as been all a…

I wish you peace

I still love you. Even if you don't love me. Even if you hate me. I will still love you.

You have meant so much to me for so long now, that I can't just stop loving you.

I know you are a good person and I know that good person is still in there somewhere.

I wish you well.

So badly I want to hold you and tell you I love you and how I want you to be happy, the way I am happy.

You would probably pull away.

I don't know how to help. I don't think I can.

It's hard to let go of this idea I have that I can help everyone, but I'm learning how to do it with you.

I just want you to have whatever it is that will make you happy, whether I am in the picture or not.

More than anything, I wish you peace.

I wish you peace in everything you do.

Peace in your mind, words, heart, actions, everything.

I wish you peace.

Paper Doll

I feel a lot like a paper doll lately.

For those of you who are too young to know this/remember, we used to play with dolls made out of paper with various dresses/outfits etc that kind of "clipped" on to them. It was cheap, and a lot of fun... to me anyway.

What I mean by my first statement is that I have always felt like a paper doll stuck within a sheet of paper, just waiting to be punched out of the sheet of paper and to be used for my ultimate purpose.

I know, kind of difficult to grasp, but this is honestly how I feel.

I've conformed my whole life to be someone I'm not. I've been polite to/kind to people out of my own worry of "what will they think of me", "what will they say about me", etc. I wanted to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, eat certain things, look a certain way, hell I even wanted my hand writing to look a certain way! That's how badly I wanted to "fit in".

I was friends with people who weren't reall…

Quotes that fit my life right now!

Image

A rough day

Image
Today has not been the best for my healthy lifestyle. I ate a lot of junk and drank some beer. And right now I find myself getting discouraged about all of this. It's hard to focus on how good you've done and how far you've come when you are feeling down. Then the cycle continues. You feel bad about what you've eaten, so you eat more. That's what I really wanted to do just now.

Instead, I sent a message to my trainer and she sent me a great quote of things to do instead of bored eating and she recommended I drink some water. So, I am and I decided to blog to keep my hands busy, instead of busy putting food in my mouth. My trainer also told me to not forget how hard I have worked to get here and to not give up. There will be nights like tonight through my journey. And that's so true.

I have to focus on the good I have done today...

I'm getting laundry done, I went to the dentist, my mom and I brought Bella to the park to visit her other mommies, I visited wi…

Out of the Darkness

Yesterday, I had the honor of walking at the Mall of America for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk.

It was amazing, and yet heartbreaking at the same time.

People were wearing shirts with loved one's faces on them, holding up pictures of those who had left us too soon, wearing buttons saying "I walk for... Me.", and so on.

There were huge crowds and so much love and support all in one place was truly moving. People were even holding signs for the walkers that read things like, "You matter!", "You're life is important!", etc.


This brought back a lot of mixed emotions for me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, hug someone, run away from the thoughts it had brought forward in my mind, or just suck it up and smile like everything was okay. Well, I did just that. I went on and pretended everything was okay. But thinking about it and being there makes me feel very differently.

I have been suicidal numerous …

Love, Fights, School, and Healthy Living

What would I do without my husband?

Last night I got into it with someone close to my husband and I and they were using religion to attempt to "discuss" their opinions with me. Which would have been fine, however, when you are telling me my beliefs are wrong based off of your beliefs, I cannot and will not take you seriously. All in all, I ended up blocking some people on Facebook at the advice of my therapist and have decided to avoid situations where I may run into some of these people that I have blocked.

I told my husband about it. He asked how it started and I explained it was from something that I posted about what I believe.

That's when I confessed to him one of my biggest fears I have... I'm afraid that one day he will wake up and suddenly believe the things that others have said and say about me, and that he will leave me. It's scary when people become so anti something... especially when it's anti you.

He simply responded that that will not happen a…

How do I find a job... and manage my sleep right now?

I've been browsing some entry-level medical billing and coding jobs online and I'm very excited for where my career and future are heading... However, I'd like to get my foot in the door right now and start gaining some experience in the field, but I just don't have enough experience yet. And it's so frustrating. And I'm very impatient. Haha! But seriously. Even if it is a part-time unpaid internship, I'd take it! Problem is, I'm not sure where to start. There are some online internships in the field but the research I have done on them suggests that the online internships are very difficult.

Ultimately, I should be patient and wait to find something, or talk to my advisor about it. But I'm just so impatient and I want to get my foot in the door. You may find this hard to believe, but my resume is not really all that impressive. Haha! So, I'm looking for ways to beef it up by getting into the field and gaining some experience as quickly as I can…

No worries!

All that worry for nothing!

Okay, so I didn't do too hot on my final exam. 62% is not ideal. However, my presentation on bipolar II disorder went really well... I think. Considering I worked my butt off on it and was very prepared. My nerves go ahold of me while actually recording myself presenting my power point, but I think it went really well. I enjoyed giving it. Here's the link to my presentation below... Please be kind. I was nervous and some things were over my head! Haha!

http://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/coQbfafKoR

Also, I met with my personal trainer today... and... the verdict is in.

I LOVE HER! She's so nice! Not only is she beautiful on the outside, she's also beautiful on the inside! She pushed without being pushy and she encouraged and always made me feel good about myself throughout our whole hour long workout. I'm so happy and I think the main trainer did a good job of pairing us up!

I love my gym and I love my trainer. I'm actually not terri…

Resumes, finals, and personal trainers, OH MY!

Image
This Friday marks the end of my first quarter back at school. October 6th I begin school again for the fall/winter quarter as a full-time student in the HIT (health information technician) program, and to be honest.. I couldn't be more excited! I can't wait to have more things to fill my days with classes and feelings of productivity! One quarter down in the journey to getting my degree and a job that will be sustainable for me and my future!

With this feeling of success comes a feeling that resembles a ball of yarn, but is definitely nerves. I am terrible at tests. I always rush and I can't help but feeling like 75 minutes for 75 questions is just not enough. My anxiety creeps in with every quiz I've had so far and just absolutely chokes me until I click away and answer as best I can and finish as quickly as possible. It's an anxiety issue I have had for a long time. Teachers have always been amazed at how quickly I complete a test or quiz. I'm not. I am a ter…

Busy... yet productive!

I have been so busy lately! Which is a good thing.

I've noticed about myself that when I am not busy, I'm lazy, eat poorly, sleep like crap, don't work out, and the negative thoughts start to creep up from the depths of my mind.

So, I like to stay busy.

I've been doing Weight Watchers with a couple of friends and I have been going to the gym or working out at home at least 5 of the 7 days per week. And I feel amazing! I've lost 5 pounds in the past two weeks and inches off my whole body! My energy and mood are great and fairly stable, despite the typical ups and downs of accepting the end of summertime. Even though I love fall! (I know... basic. Don't care!)

But every day I have been running here or there or working on some type of homework or focusing on tracking my food and activity.

And last night I went out and celebrate a good friend/cousin's birthday and sober cabbed for him and his boyfriend and it felt so good to come home and not eat a lot/spend a …

Verbal abuse

Most of my young adult to adult life so far I have been verbally abused. People don't always realize they are doing it when it happens. I've done it to some of the people in my life that I love the most, and it gets me literally nowhere.

Well, it happened tonight by someone I love, and it hurt. And I didn't even realize it when it happened. Okay, so I did, but my people-pleaser-self tried to brush it aside and move on... in other words, I tried to repress it. But someone else I love pointed it out to me and how it was verbally and mentally abusive and I realized that repressing it was literally going to get me nowhere. I would hold it in and eventually blow up at someone I love because it would bother me so much.

Not this time.

I told someone close to me that I had lost 3 pounds over the course of this last week, as of today. So 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I was thrilled! Getting on the scale lately hasn't been traumatic, but exciting for a change! A very very good change!

Ev…

Feelings of inadequacy

Do you ever have those feelings that you are just not quite good enough? Or that everyone around you is successful, but you are just stuck in a rut and there's very little hope of getting out any time soon?

Stuck-in-a-rut, table for one?

Or are there more people out there feeling this way? I can't be the only one!

Well, someone that I graduated high school with started a group on Facebook for our graduating class. Fun, right? Well, actually... It is! It's really awesome to see how far everyone has come and how well they are all doing. It makes me happy to see my peers and fellow former students being successful and making their way in this world.

However, I do have some feelings of inadequacy that follow every time I visit the group page.

I'm 26 years old, living with my husband.. at my parent's house, going to school.. still, not currently working.. yet... No children. No property. No apartment. No fancy/successful job. No pets even, and I've gained weight. Li…

Why?

Why do I let you consume my life at times and enter my mind? Maybe it's because you have wronged me worse than anyone ever has in my life.

Why do I let the horrible things you say to us overwhelm me and make me feel like I could just break down and cry? Because you have not only picked a fight with me, but my husband as well.

Why do I let you get away with things that I know are not okay? Because I think you are my friend, or are you?

Why am I even giving any of you the time of day at this very moment?!


Because sometimes the negativity in this world is overwhelming. And it overwhelms me to see people post and share and tweet and whatever such harmful and negative things. How can one see only the bad in a situation? How can one only focus on the bad one may be doing? What is the good? Where is the good? I feel so often, lately, as if I am drowning in a sea of blackness with all of your negative remarks and comments. How do you hold your head above water? I do it long enough to take…

Sometimes... I sleep... Sometimes... I drink (too much)

I have began to notice a pattern with my sleep the past two weeks.

I love going to bed around 10pm-12am and having my first alarm go off at 7:30am and the final alarm at 8am. Then, I check my phone and roll out of bed.

Last Tuesday and today, that was not the case. I was in bed from midnight until about 3pm the next day!

I don't really know what it's all about, but I do know that when my body decides it is not going to wake up (and as long as I have nowhere to be), I let myself sleep, and man... is it glorious! I feel recharged and refreshed and all ready to go the next day, but the day of sleeping that late... I am so unbelievably lazy, I just can't believe it.

I have sat on the couch and putzed around my phone and computer most of the day today. Thank goodness I was proactive this evening and cranked out an entire paper within an hour, but really. I didn't even go to the gym and I have been obsessively going at least 5 days a week lately.

And then I've noticed a …

Why do people do that?

So, you have a religion... Great.
So, you have a political belief... Great.
So, you have an opinion on bipolar disorder... Great.
So, you feel the need to tell me and argue everything I post, even though you don't have to read everything I post, you just do it to start shit... Not so great.

People are so annoying sometimes. I get it, we all have our opinions and beliefs, but why can't we all just agree to disagree and coexist like and treat everyone like what they are... a human being?

I hate it when I post something that someone disagrees with and they get all bitchy/whiny/fussy about it and create a bunch of drama simply because they disagree with it. Then, they go about trying to convince me that their opinion is the "right" opinion.

Seriously? When did it become your job to filter and screen everything I post on social media and "correct" it to go with your head-in-the-sand ideas of life?

If you like what I post... fine.
If you don't like what I pos…

A what kind of uterus?!

Image
So, I went to get an IUD put in place the other day at the doctor's office. Everything was going well until they couldn't find my cervix. They told me I would likely have to reschedule for next week until I told them that I was leaving in two days for a week-long camping trip. They immediately made a call up to the OB/GYN and were able to get me in.

"Why the urgency?" I thought to myself as I climbed the stairway to the second floor of the hospital, to the OB/GYN's offices.

I got in to see the nurse very quickly. She explained that the doctor would go over the IUD with me as well as any other birth control options I may have not yet considered.

Okay. No biggie.

The doctor comes in and sits down. Instantly, I decide that I like him. Soon enough I would find out that I like him A LOT!

He begins to talk to me about my past, about my surgery I had in fifth grade on my uterus...
I was having pain underneath my butt cheek in my left leg. So much so that I was unable to…

Stigma

So, something exciting happened to me yesterday...

I was approached (on Twitter) by a wonderful soul who asked if I would be interested in sharing an essay about my personal experiences living with bipolar disorder. The group (if you wish to follow on Twitter, and you probably should!) is @stigmafighters and they are doing some amazing things!

Please give them a follow!

And thank you for reading... You have helped me to make it this far. Thank you.

I wrote a letter

I wrote a letter ton Sunday. It was directed "To Whom It May Concern". It was intended for my friends, family, and Matt.

It was my suicide letter.

Thankfully (and obviously) I didn't have to use it. I am still here.

...

Friday night. Everything was fine and going well, until I went to the restroom. I was bleeding. Unusually heavy for the first day. That's when I realized... This wasn't normal. I was having a miscarriage. My secret lately was that we thought I was pregnant, and apparently I was. But it didn't last.

I didn't tell anyone. I began to drink. I drank so much that most of this weekend was a blur. I remember fighting with Matt, and some bits and pieces, but I was blacked out most of the weekend. I was self-medicating and I was going hard. Apparently, I'm a high functioning drunk because not too many people could tell that I was blacked out or completely unaware.

That is until Sunday.

I crashed. I hit the depression-wall so hard, that it hit m…

The first step forward

So, I still can't completely tell everyone yet what has been going on with me. However, I can tell you that I feel it is nothing at this point and I will be able to tell you soon enough. I'm done being consumed by things that most likely aren't true. And when I say consumed... I mean obsessively, crazy, researching every little thing online and in books-type of consumed.

Let's move on from that. Anything that is negatively consuming your life right now, the way this "situation" is for me... Just let it go and move on. Be the one to take the first step forward, toward happiness, peace, and a less stressful life.

It's way too easy to be consumed with worry and those ever nagging 'what if' thoughts. We are practically taught to think like that from birth, with the adults in our lives worrying over us (which they should). It's so sad to think of those people that spend the majority of their time on this earth worrying about things that are going t…

How I feel tonight...

Image
This is how I feel tonight, ladies and gents. It sucks so freaking much!
I will fill you in with more details as to why I'm feeling this way, as they come.
It's a slow process right now.

Are you there?

Are you there?

I don't know if you are, or aren't.

I think you are. I feel as if you are. I'm so sure of it on good days.

But then comes a slow sinking feeling that I will be left heartbroken.

I shouldn't be heartbroken though.

I should want to ignore you, and I should want you to not exist... But I can't help myself.

I'm in love with who you are becoming. Who I think you are becoming, anyway.

Sometimes, I gently touch you, or what I think is you and I imagine that you know me.

That we are already in love.

But... Are you there?

I don't know right now.

Everything around me screams "No... No... NO!... NOOO!!!"

My heart is screaming "Yes, please don't just be a dream! Please be real!"

My dreams only consist of you, these days.

I just can't help but to always have you on my mind, it seems.

I don't know.

Are you there?

Who are you? Where are you? Who will you become?

I want to hug you and tell you that I wanted this all along, but…

Be...

Image

Am I the only one here?

Hello?

You've been so distant.

You avoid talking to me.

You don't even look at me anymore.

I haven't done anything wrong...

Hellooo?

Why aren't you talking to me?

I'm scared and I don't want to be in this alone.

I can't do this by myself.

Why am I so calm and you're the one running?

Why are you running?

Please talk to me.

Hellllllooooo?!

I miss you in my life.

We need to support each other.

We need each other.

Please hold me... Kiss me.

Quit running!

Take my hand and comfort me for a bit!

Get out of your head.

This isn't easy on either of us!

Hey...

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
This is scary.
But I'm trying to be strong... For you.

Where are you?

A sister

Image
A sister is a friend that you can call on any time of day or night.
A sister is someone you can go ages without talking to, and pick up right where you left off.
A sister is someone who you yell at, and she may yell at you...
But you and your sister will always make up!

A sister is someone you can tell all of your secrets to.
A sister is someone who loves you, unconditionally.
A sister's family accepts you as their own.
A sister is related to you, by blood or by choice.

A sister is someone who cares about you through it all.
A sister is someone who never judges you, no matter what you are going through.
A sister is always honest with you, even if it hurts.
But your sister will always make you smile.

A sister will mend your heart after someone has broken it.
A sister will also kick whosever ass broke your heart!
A sister will drink with you and laugh about stupid things that you did in the past.
And if you are the only one on the dance floor, your sister will always join you.

I hav…

Mending the heart

We threw Mom a surprise party for undergoing breast cancer treatment and handling it like a champion! She went through so much crap and she deserved the whole party! So many people came and showed their love and support to not only Mom, but our family as well! It was so much fun.

People who I was not very close with even came... That's how much my mom touches people's lives.

And I made amends with three dear people in my life.

I pushed them away and they came back... It took time, because I was pretty damn harsh, like I can be. But they came back! That is how you know you have a great person in your life.

Don't get me wrong... DO NOT JUST PUSH PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE WHO WILL COME BACK!

I was in a bad and dark place. I didn't know what I was doing. I was doing more harm to myself than anything be kicking good and loving people out of my life.

I am more loved than I know and ALL of my friends and family are VERY amazing!

I allowed too much hate and negativit…

Self-help

Image

Always remember!

Image

I want to hold your hand.

I was weak.
I was really weak.
I was angry.
I was really angry.
I missed you like crazy, and you weren't there.

I wasn't in a good place with my life.
I was insecure, anxious, worried, depressed, angry, hurt, and confused.

And for so long, I had depended on you to help me through those types of emotions.
But you weren't there.
You were in a new relationship, and it was so special and so important to you.
Rightfully so.

But I needed... wanted you there.
Maybe I was a bit jealous.
But ultimately, I was lonely and hurt. Because I missed you... above all I missed you.

I pushed you away when you finally extended you hand to me.
I was so angry.
I was not accepting of your new lives together.
I was selfish and I hurt you. Both of you.

It was awful to cut you out of my life.
I could have approached things a lot better, by telling you how I felt and talking face-to-face.

Unfortunately, I cannot change how I handled things in the past.

I can, however, change how I view the two of yo…

The new girl in town...

Funny thing about our family dog, Chippy... He's ornery when he's alone... So we got him a girlfriend!

Not really, she's spayed and all. And he actually is just ornery in general, but the company and companionship is so good for dogs. Being socialized helps them a lot.

Her name is Bella. Her previous master was a very kind woman who was simply no longer able to take care of her anymore. She very kindly gave Bella to us for nothing! She loved the idea of Bella coming to a home with another dog to play with and a family that would play with her, walk her, and love and spoil her as much as possible...

So, now we have two dogs again! Haha!

There have been some tiffs between them, but otherwise it is going very well!

The two biggest concerns now are:
1) Getting Bella to listen and follow our commands.
2) And not allowing Chippy to be possessive of us or the furniture if he is up there before her.

Bella has been learning and is doing very well with our basic training. It's s…

An open letter to the struggling woman in me

To whom it may concern,

I feel like I miss you, however have I ever really met you? If I have met you, have I ever gotten to know you? I don't know..

I know you are a wife, but are you even any good at being one? What do you do to support your husband? You stay at home all day, clean now and then, cook and do some laundry. Meanwhile, he works every night for ten hours most night, sometimes all by himself.
You're happy to see him when he gets home, but does he look at you through bittersweet stares? Does it grind his very existence that he is living with YOUR parents, that he leaves for ten hours every night, and you get to do what you want at home all day?
Is this his resentment?...
Or your insecurity?

I know you have been hurt. Sexually, mentally, emotionally, physically, verbally...
How has that hurt shaped you? Who are you because of this hurt? Where has it brought you to today?
Do you know who you are?

I know you are living with a mental illness, but my question to you is,…

Life as of late...

The first week of school went well. Really well, actually. I'm still waiting on my last graded assignment, but I don't think it will be graded until later because they were due tonight, I believe. This second week looks a bit more intense, but I think I'm ready for the challenge!
Matt and I had a great weekend! On Friday, we just relaxed and stayed home and had a nice dinner of wine, meat, and cheese. We decided to keep kind of low this weekend and spend some time together, because this whole third shift thing is kicking our asses. Matt had been spending more time doing things he wanted to do for himself than spending time with me and giving me some hubby/wifey time. He acknowledged that when I brought it to his attention, and we decided to have that family time this weekend. So we did! We relaxed and enjoyed each other's company this weekend, and today we went to Karl Oskar Day's in Lindstrom and we played human foosball with some great friends! Afterwards, (since…

Back to school!

Hey all!

I began class yesterday online through Rasmussen College. I actually really love it! I have so much time to dedicate to my class(es) that I actually put a lot more effort into it and read my text book, and have been working all night on making flashcards on 36 pages of notes on medical terminology.

PS: If anyone in the medical field ever wants to help me study, I'd welcome it with open arms!

You may be wondering why I said "class(es)" above -- I take two classes for the whole quarter. the quarter is divided into two terms and I take one class for 5.5 weeks and the other class for the remaining 5.5 weeks. Which is VERY nice! It may be more stressful in the fact that I will probably have a lot more packed into a smaller amount of time, but I feel good about it, and I feel even better starting off part-time to get back into the swing of it.

So I had my first online lecture last night. Man, school (particularly online classes) have changed a lot since I first/last t…

A new chapter.

Image
Well, it is official -- I begin online courses through Rasmussen College on Monday, July 6th for my Associate's Degree to become a Health Information Technician (HIT - So if you see me say HIT at all, you know what it means).

How do I feel about all of this happening so suddenly, you may ask?
CRAZY! I feel like it has just been a whirlwind of crazy!

I am kind of nervous, but I have done a few online courses before so I feel pretty good about the whole situation. Plus, they had us take an online introductory course for five days that basically gives you the layout of the online courses and demonstrates how to use everything and get the most out of your experiences.

Mostly though, I feel excited! I feel as though my life has meaning again and I'm working toward the bigger picture! Not that my life didn't have meaning before, but it's just difficult to not be working when you really want to, and to see your husband and family doing so much, and you feel as if you aren'…

45 Truths

Here is a great article I found posted on Twitter by a great page I follow. Go ahead and read the article, and if you have a Twitter account, fly on over and give @BipolarUs a follow!

Thanks beauties!

https://www.yahoo.com/health/45-truths-people-with-bipolar-disorder-wish-others-121766346653.html

Crossroads

I have come to realize lately that I am at a crossroad in my life.

I'm relatively stable when I keep up with therapy, medication, meditation, sleep and diet, and my psychiatrist regularly.

Now that I am finding myself feeling more positive and in a better place -- What do I do with myself?

My therapist (Sheesh, I love her!) recommended that I make myself a schedule of what I'm going to do that day the night before the day begins. That has been helping me a lot! I love schedules and I often find that if I do not have a reason to get out of bed, I won't, and then I find it easier to slip into the darkness. However, with a schedule for my day, I have a reason to get out of bed.

But... I want more than just a reason. I want a purpose.

Matt and I talked about my purpose for my current decisions within the past couple of days, and I happened to stumble across my reason for what I'm about to do... I want to be independent. I want to be able to survive on my own if, in the cir…