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Showing posts from June, 2015

Crossroads

I have come to realize lately that I am at a crossroad in my life.

I'm relatively stable when I keep up with therapy, medication, meditation, sleep and diet, and my psychiatrist regularly.

Now that I am finding myself feeling more positive and in a better place -- What do I do with myself?

My therapist (Sheesh, I love her!) recommended that I make myself a schedule of what I'm going to do that day the night before the day begins. That has been helping me a lot! I love schedules and I often find that if I do not have a reason to get out of bed, I won't, and then I find it easier to slip into the darkness. However, with a schedule for my day, I have a reason to get out of bed.

But... I want more than just a reason. I want a purpose.

Matt and I talked about my purpose for my current decisions within the past couple of days, and I happened to stumble across my reason for what I'm about to do... I want to be independent. I want to be able to survive on my own if, in the cir…

I saw you today...

I saw you today, and I realized that I miss you.

I don't miss everything, I'm not going to lie to you. But I miss what we were and what we had.

So, is it even that I miss you, or who we were?

Mania and Money - What to do... I think...

When I'm manic, my vice is to spend money. Whether it is going to Target for one thing and leaving with $200 worth of product, or going online and shopping on websites for myself, others, whatever. Or... There's the devil itself... Groupon!

Last week, I was down in the slumps and depressed. I wasn't cleaning, doing chores, eating, sleeping way too much.

My therapist and I made a schedule for me so I had a reason to get out of bed every day. And every evening I make a schedule for myself for the next day. I personally, crave structure and find this to be very helpful.

Unfortunately, by the end of the week last week, I was done being depressed and I was in full-blown manic mode. (I've been living on the manic mode more of the time than the depressed mode, but most of the time I'm pretty average.) So, I did some online shopping. I went out to eat. I was not very good.

Luckily, Matt and I got to prepare for an amazing weekend alone up north and before we left, we discu…

The struggle (for a stigma-free world) is real!

I thought you knew me.
I thought you knew us.
I thought you knew him.

I don't know who you've been talking to, or where you've been getting your information from (I'd LOVE to find out those resources), but you've got our world so screwed upside down!

He is happy. He has unhappy moments, as most people do.
You may not see his peace, but maybe that's because you are not here to witness it.

I see peace wash over him when he's holding me in his arms.
When he's hanging out with his friends.
When he's with our family.
When he's completed a hard day's work.
When he's figured out the problem.
When he accomplishes something difficult.
When he supports him.
When I support him.

In addition, you probably (please forgive any harshness or tone coming across) should read some scientific journals, and visit some RELIABLE psychology websites and educate yourself on bipolar disorder, the difference between bipolar I and II, mood swings, stabilization (and…

Straight? Bi? Pan?... What?

My dear brother invited my mom and I to an amazing open-mic experience last night.

Everyone was educated on other's experiences, life stories, past, present, and histories ranging from topics of parents, transgender lives/movement, LGBT history, correct usage of pronouns, and so much more! It was absolutely moving. I cried, I laughed, I got mad, I was sad, I was upset, I was beyond happy... So many emotions and so many thoughts running through my manic mind.

One thing I did feel occurred in this "safer space" was a little bit of "straight hate". It sounds so awful to say that knowing how much the LGBT community has suffered, and continues to suffer.

I, myself, (until recently) have always identified as bisexual, just to come to realize I actually identify more as a pansexual. I don't want to go into great deal what that means, so here's an informative and educational description of pansexuality and the difference between it and bisexuality as well as po…

A heart full of love!

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To all the theater lovers out there, name that musical! Haha!

Today, Matt and I got the privilege to meet our newest addition to the family --- our brand new nephew! And if I had to sum up what I think of him in one word, it would have to be "perfect"! And if I had to sum up how I feel about him when I look at that tiny little face, I would have to say "Ican'tstandhowmuchIstinkinglovethisbaby,I'mgoingtodie!Iwantmyown!"

Okay, so that's not all entirely one word, but it is kind of like one word if you say it all really fast!

I am always so certain that I don't want to be a mom --- And then I get around a baby/toddler/child, and I'm dead on the floor.

I freaking want one! Or two! Or 15, but you know let's start with just one. Haha!

My sister-in-law (aka my sister) and her husband told me they were pregnant with their first little love back in 2013 and I was shaking, and near tears! I was so beyond happy for them! They were happy, they were in l…

Baby -- Maybe?

As I'm writing this post, my sister-in-law is in the hospital preparing to give birth to our second nephew, which is -- to put it mildly -- FREAKING EXCITING!

I love being an auntie and I love my nephew so much that I almost can't believe it! I didn't know how I would be able to find more room in my heart for another nephew, but when I found out that she was heading to the hospital, my heart filled with love for the little life that is about to enter the world soon.

Which got me thinking, do I want to be more than an aunt someday? Do I want a to feel the love my sister-in-law feels for her child(ren) to my own eventually? Do I want to be (gulp) a mommy?

It's not Matt! By any means, I am not worried about Matt being a father! He would be absolutely astounding as a dad. I saw him when we babysat our nephew and he was so incredible, it really melted my heart.

It's me.

Can I be a mommy? Well, I know I CAN, but would I be any good at it? I'd like to think so, with m…

Lost -- In the system

The scariest day(s) of my life happened in April of 2013. Which makes me sad because my best friend's birthday is in April, so I typically think of it as a very happy month. Unfortunately, this year that was not the case.

It was my best friend's birthday party on Saturday night and I had just seen my previous psychiatrist on Friday afternoon. I was experiencing side effects (uncontrollable tongue movements) of my Geodon (an anti-psychotic). My old psychiatrist advised me to go off of my 120mg dose altogether (literally in one day - just stop taking it).

I know what some of you who are more versed in the world of medications and/or mental illness are thinking right now -- JUST QUIT?! YOU NEED TO WEEN OFF OF IT, NOT STOP COLD TURKEY!!!!

I know right?!

I was scared though. This is the first time I have ever experienced such strange side effects from any medication before, and I (at the time) felt comfortable and trusted my psychiatrist to know what she was talking about.

So I did…

My happy place.

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I went camping with my parents from Saturday to Tuesday. We were up at the place that I like to refer to as "the place I will someday run away to", otherwise known as Crosslake.

I have been camping up in Crosslake since I was 6 months old. My dad taught me how to ride my bike up there, My husband proposed to me on the dock under the stars up there, I celebrated my wedding day up there, and my husband (friends and family too) and I go up there and stay for a week over our anniversary every year and enjoy a bottle of champagne where we were married.

Basically, I have been up there every year (practically) since I was born.

It's more than a home away from home for me. It's my life and where I want to spend the rest of my life. I feel at peace up in Crosslake. I love being in nature, being on the lakes, seeing trees, stars, and log cabins all around. Campfires every summer night, small town celebrations where you become a regular. I leave my heart up there every time I c…

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I promise to post about camping this past weekend!