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Showing posts from March, 2015

The person I want to be

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and asked yourself, "how did I get here?"

I'm having one of those nights tonight.

I've been having a long talk with God and I feel frustrated because I just feel like I'm talking in circles and rambling on and on. It's like... Uhhh! Enough already!

I'm really new with my faith and I'm extremely new at having conversations with God. (I would love to tell my coming-to-faith story, but we will save that for another day!)

I've found myself in a predicament lately because I've been taking really good care of my skin, hair, nails, feet, but not really what goes into my body... the core of it all.
A friend of mine and I just started a weight loss challenge, and both of us were doing great on our nutrition plans before that, but for some reason, when the challenge hit... (I can't speak for her) I froze. I panicked and felt as if I wouldn't be good enough... As if I didn't deserve to win…

If you're reading this...

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Hypo mania.

Dreams.

So, I had a dream last night and all I can remember from it is that there was a tiger and a huge terrarium. Suddenly the glass to the terrarium shattered all over the place and all around me. I had to walk on it with bare feet to try to run away from the tiger, but it chased me. Suddenly, it caught up to me and grabbed my right arm. I yelled for help and I saw my husband. I yelled for his help, but he shook his head and said, "you have to do it." I swallowed hard, and yanked my arm away with such force, I was certain it had been ripped off, and then I woke up.

The "caged" tiger, the attack, the broken glass... It really had me baffled when I woke up and so I did what any logical thinking person would do... I turned to Google.

Here's what I found...

To see a tiger in your dream represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you need to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female…

Been a while.

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To my loyal readers, I need to apologize. It has been way too long since I have last posted. I didn't feel I had much to share with you though.

I was "normal"-ing out for a couple of weeks. I had been very manic, and I was coming down off of that mania and leveling out into a stable place.

But then I began to slip. The darkness was coming at me, full force, like a freight train from hell.

I stopped working out.
I ate a lot of junk.
I drank with the intention to get drunk.
I stopped cleaning the apartment.
We had HUGE piles of laundry that needed to be put away.
I was going to bed early (for me) and sleeping late.
It was difficult to do anything besides sit on the couch.
My body felt as if it would just tense into a tight little ball every time I had to bathe.
Life was just... hard.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to see it in words that I was in my depressed state again. I knew how I felt, I sure as hell didn't need it spelled out in front of me!

I knew…

Inspiration.

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Moving on.

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Diamond in the rough.

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I've made the decision to be done trying at our friendship. We are officially over. You're whole letter was about how I was doing things wrong, and if I wasn't screwing up, your boyfriend was... Yeah you threw him under the bus too. You deflected everything I said, and even things I didn't say, but you chose to bring up and tried to make me out to be the bad one.

At first I was mad and frustrated.

But now I'm smiling and laughing about it.

You may have been allowed to bully me around in our past relationship, but that's my fault. I didn't stand up for myself and I didn't love myself. Well, things are different now... I love myself, and in the process of falling in love with myself... I fell out of love with you and our friendship.

Well, things are different now.

I'm saying good bye to the past and you and I'm building my relationships with the friends who are here deeper and stronger. Because I grieved our friendship. I really hurt. I don't …

Piss time.

So today has been semi-shitty. Not going to lie.

My friend wrote me a letter back and it was very frustrating. I didn't find it very relevant to the letter I wrote to her.

On to the worst part of my day...

So I'm already kind of frustrated and upset about the letter, when I have to leave (and I didn't want to) and go to a new psychiatrist appointment... for TWO HOURS! UGH! Talk about annoying, but whatever... I'll give it a chance.

So, I get there on time and wait 5 minutes to talk to someone... The poor receptionist, I can tell someone is just pissed at her over the phone. I can relate. So I finally get to talk to her and she's very nice, but doesn't really seem to know what she is doing. The first thing out of her mouth is how my doctor is ALWAYS late and that I should get used to it now. Joy.

So I sit down and begin the paperwork process that takes an hour. During this time I notice that the receptionists are apologizing a lot on the phones and then hang out…

Just a quote.

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Just another manic... Wednesday?

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Sooooo manic again. If this post comes off kind of ramble-like that's because I have been up since 2:45PM on Tuesday. I am on a bad sleep cycle due to my mania. It's easy to stay up late for me and sleep in, but it's really difficult to get back on going to bed early and waking up early.

Well, I have a brilliant idea, considering my sleeping pills do not work... I'm staying up all night so that way I get tired today around 7-8. I know it doesn't sound brilliant, but trust me, when you're desperate, you'll do anything! And making pancakes at 2:45AM for my husband... yeah I'm desperate at this point.

New topic... Lots of thoughts.

I weighed in yesterday with my coach and friend. It was so fun and I felt so good about it. I lost 1.2 pounds, gained around 2 pounds of muscle, and lost 7.75 inches (basically at least an inch in every spot measured except my hips) from all over my body! And I can tell too! And I feel amazing!!!

However, this awful sleep schedu…

The letter to her.

It hurt so bad tonight.

I had such a great day today, that's what sucks the most about this. I hurt.

At first I was just thinking about you. It made me smile to remember those good times, but soon the smile faded, just like you. Right out of my memory.

Then the anger came. Hot, angry tears filled my eyes. I wanted to call you and tell you how you've broken my heart, yell at you about how you haven't been there like a friend should be. So much has happened and I have needed you! The holiday party went down all wrong, and I am partially to blame for that. My mom is being treated with chemo and you don't even ask how she is. It is so awful how you asked Matt how you could be there for me, but then don't show up to the table when shit hits the fan. Oh and by the way, my birthday was fabulous... Not that you took any interest in a phone call or even a text.

I have a letter on my computer... I've been sitting on it since January 25th. It's been re-written numerou…

Why do I hate you?

I look at myself in the mirror... Okay... Not too bad... I can work with what I see.

I see myself in a picture... DEAR LORD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT CREATURE!!!

Why do I hate you? Why do I waste so much of my time examining every flaw, hating everything from your face, to your stomach, to your arms, to... well every inch of you! Why?

I have looked at you for so long in the mirror and in pictures and hated what I saw...

Until lately...

Now I see what the hate has done to you. What you have become is simply a product of my hatred towards you.

My heart hurts when I think of how I have looked at myself. No one should hate themselves.

I've recently started a new lifestyle. I've done it before and it was very beneficial. In less than two weeks I have results... They aren't earth shattering, but they made me proud of myself.

I'm done being the product of self hatred.

It's not always easy... I wanted to not like myself a lot tonight... But I knew I just had to fight…

To the girls...

This post is dedicated to my girls...

To the girl who is always honest with me, and has taught me about faith and God.
To the girl who enjoys having fun, and serious heart-to-hearts.
To the girl who has been on my side since day one.
To the girl who is driven, and extremely loving.
To the girl who has big plans, and a bright future...

To the girl who stays up all night with me to have hilarious drunken talks.
To the girl who is always down for a good time.
To the girl who calls me up when she knows I'm down.
To the girl with confidence radiating off of her, and some seriously killer dance moves.
To the girl who I know will be extremely successful in life...

You two are my best friends, and I love you more than words can describe. My heart is so full and content with you two in it.
Thank you for always being at my birthdays, for talking to me when I'm down or when Matt and I are not happy with one another, for coming up to Crosslake with us to celebrate our anniversaries, for b…

The other girl.

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There is another girl. She likes to appear now and then and live my life. She's young and she's afraid. She doesn't know what the future has in store for her, yet. My husband loves her. He likes to comfort her and tell her that her future will be okay. I've only met her once... when I was her.

Sometimes I have multiple seizures in one day. When this happens, a strange phenomenon occurs... I lose my memory and wake up from my seizure a young teenager. Matt has told me the youngest I have ever been was 10, if he remembers correctly.

I don't really know that much about the experience because what it feels like to me is a heavy, almost drug-induced sleep.

Typically, it happens at night, and typically I get my memory back the next day.

It happened on Saturday. We were supposed to have a couple of great friends over and I was feeling overwhelmed with my to do list and then Matt and I started in on each other... Well, mostly I started in. He came back in defense and it es…