Showing posts from September, 2015

A rough day

Today has not been the best for my healthy lifestyle. I ate a lot of junk and drank some beer. And right now I find myself getting discouraged about all of this. It's hard to focus on how good you've done and how far you've come when you are feeling down. Then the cycle continues. You feel bad about what you've eaten, so you eat more. That's what I really wanted to do just now.

Instead, I sent a message to my trainer and she sent me a great quote of things to do instead of bored eating and she recommended I drink some water. So, I am and I decided to blog to keep my hands busy, instead of busy putting food in my mouth. My trainer also told me to not forget how hard I have worked to get here and to not give up. There will be nights like tonight through my journey. And that's so true.

I have to focus on the good I have done today...

I'm getting laundry done, I went to the dentist, my mom and I brought Bella to the park to visit her other mommies, I visited wi…

Out of the Darkness

Yesterday, I had the honor of walking at the Mall of America for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk.

It was amazing, and yet heartbreaking at the same time.

People were wearing shirts with loved one's faces on them, holding up pictures of those who had left us too soon, wearing buttons saying "I walk for... Me.", and so on.

There were huge crowds and so much love and support all in one place was truly moving. People were even holding signs for the walkers that read things like, "You matter!", "You're life is important!", etc.

This brought back a lot of mixed emotions for me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, hug someone, run away from the thoughts it had brought forward in my mind, or just suck it up and smile like everything was okay. Well, I did just that. I went on and pretended everything was okay. But thinking about it and being there makes me feel very differently.

I have been suicidal numerous …

Love, Fights, School, and Healthy Living

What would I do without my husband?

Last night I got into it with someone close to my husband and I and they were using religion to attempt to "discuss" their opinions with me. Which would have been fine, however, when you are telling me my beliefs are wrong based off of your beliefs, I cannot and will not take you seriously. All in all, I ended up blocking some people on Facebook at the advice of my therapist and have decided to avoid situations where I may run into some of these people that I have blocked.

I told my husband about it. He asked how it started and I explained it was from something that I posted about what I believe.

That's when I confessed to him one of my biggest fears I have... I'm afraid that one day he will wake up and suddenly believe the things that others have said and say about me, and that he will leave me. It's scary when people become so anti something... especially when it's anti you.

He simply responded that that will not happen a…

How do I find a job... and manage my sleep right now?

I've been browsing some entry-level medical billing and coding jobs online and I'm very excited for where my career and future are heading... However, I'd like to get my foot in the door right now and start gaining some experience in the field, but I just don't have enough experience yet. And it's so frustrating. And I'm very impatient. Haha! But seriously. Even if it is a part-time unpaid internship, I'd take it! Problem is, I'm not sure where to start. There are some online internships in the field but the research I have done on them suggests that the online internships are very difficult.

Ultimately, I should be patient and wait to find something, or talk to my advisor about it. But I'm just so impatient and I want to get my foot in the door. You may find this hard to believe, but my resume is not really all that impressive. Haha! So, I'm looking for ways to beef it up by getting into the field and gaining some experience as quickly as I can…

No worries!

All that worry for nothing!

Okay, so I didn't do too hot on my final exam. 62% is not ideal. However, my presentation on bipolar II disorder went really well... I think. Considering I worked my butt off on it and was very prepared. My nerves go ahold of me while actually recording myself presenting my power point, but I think it went really well. I enjoyed giving it. Here's the link to my presentation below... Please be kind. I was nervous and some things were over my head! Haha!

Also, I met with my personal trainer today... and... the verdict is in.

I LOVE HER! She's so nice! Not only is she beautiful on the outside, she's also beautiful on the inside! She pushed without being pushy and she encouraged and always made me feel good about myself throughout our whole hour long workout. I'm so happy and I think the main trainer did a good job of pairing us up!

I love my gym and I love my trainer. I'm actually not terri…

Resumes, finals, and personal trainers, OH MY!

This Friday marks the end of my first quarter back at school. October 6th I begin school again for the fall/winter quarter as a full-time student in the HIT (health information technician) program, and to be honest.. I couldn't be more excited! I can't wait to have more things to fill my days with classes and feelings of productivity! One quarter down in the journey to getting my degree and a job that will be sustainable for me and my future!

With this feeling of success comes a feeling that resembles a ball of yarn, but is definitely nerves. I am terrible at tests. I always rush and I can't help but feeling like 75 minutes for 75 questions is just not enough. My anxiety creeps in with every quiz I've had so far and just absolutely chokes me until I click away and answer as best I can and finish as quickly as possible. It's an anxiety issue I have had for a long time. Teachers have always been amazed at how quickly I complete a test or quiz. I'm not. I am a ter…

Busy... yet productive!

I have been so busy lately! Which is a good thing.

I've noticed about myself that when I am not busy, I'm lazy, eat poorly, sleep like crap, don't work out, and the negative thoughts start to creep up from the depths of my mind.

So, I like to stay busy.

I've been doing Weight Watchers with a couple of friends and I have been going to the gym or working out at home at least 5 of the 7 days per week. And I feel amazing! I've lost 5 pounds in the past two weeks and inches off my whole body! My energy and mood are great and fairly stable, despite the typical ups and downs of accepting the end of summertime. Even though I love fall! (I know... basic. Don't care!)

But every day I have been running here or there or working on some type of homework or focusing on tracking my food and activity.

And last night I went out and celebrate a good friend/cousin's birthday and sober cabbed for him and his boyfriend and it felt so good to come home and not eat a lot/spend a …

Verbal abuse

Most of my young adult to adult life so far I have been verbally abused. People don't always realize they are doing it when it happens. I've done it to some of the people in my life that I love the most, and it gets me literally nowhere.

Well, it happened tonight by someone I love, and it hurt. And I didn't even realize it when it happened. Okay, so I did, but my people-pleaser-self tried to brush it aside and move on... in other words, I tried to repress it. But someone else I love pointed it out to me and how it was verbally and mentally abusive and I realized that repressing it was literally going to get me nowhere. I would hold it in and eventually blow up at someone I love because it would bother me so much.

Not this time.

I told someone close to me that I had lost 3 pounds over the course of this last week, as of today. So 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I was thrilled! Getting on the scale lately hasn't been traumatic, but exciting for a change! A very very good change!


Feelings of inadequacy

Do you ever have those feelings that you are just not quite good enough? Or that everyone around you is successful, but you are just stuck in a rut and there's very little hope of getting out any time soon?

Stuck-in-a-rut, table for one?

Or are there more people out there feeling this way? I can't be the only one!

Well, someone that I graduated high school with started a group on Facebook for our graduating class. Fun, right? Well, actually... It is! It's really awesome to see how far everyone has come and how well they are all doing. It makes me happy to see my peers and fellow former students being successful and making their way in this world.

However, I do have some feelings of inadequacy that follow every time I visit the group page.

I'm 26 years old, living with my husband.. at my parent's house, going to school.. still, not currently working.. yet... No children. No property. No apartment. No fancy/successful job. No pets even, and I've gained weight. Li…


Why do I let you consume my life at times and enter my mind? Maybe it's because you have wronged me worse than anyone ever has in my life.

Why do I let the horrible things you say to us overwhelm me and make me feel like I could just break down and cry? Because you have not only picked a fight with me, but my husband as well.

Why do I let you get away with things that I know are not okay? Because I think you are my friend, or are you?

Why am I even giving any of you the time of day at this very moment?!

Because sometimes the negativity in this world is overwhelming. And it overwhelms me to see people post and share and tweet and whatever such harmful and negative things. How can one see only the bad in a situation? How can one only focus on the bad one may be doing? What is the good? Where is the good? I feel so often, lately, as if I am drowning in a sea of blackness with all of your negative remarks and comments. How do you hold your head above water? I do it long enough to take…

Sometimes... I sleep... Sometimes... I drink (too much)

I have began to notice a pattern with my sleep the past two weeks.

I love going to bed around 10pm-12am and having my first alarm go off at 7:30am and the final alarm at 8am. Then, I check my phone and roll out of bed.

Last Tuesday and today, that was not the case. I was in bed from midnight until about 3pm the next day!

I don't really know what it's all about, but I do know that when my body decides it is not going to wake up (and as long as I have nowhere to be), I let myself sleep, and man... is it glorious! I feel recharged and refreshed and all ready to go the next day, but the day of sleeping that late... I am so unbelievably lazy, I just can't believe it.

I have sat on the couch and putzed around my phone and computer most of the day today. Thank goodness I was proactive this evening and cranked out an entire paper within an hour, but really. I didn't even go to the gym and I have been obsessively going at least 5 days a week lately.

And then I've noticed a …