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Showing posts from July, 2015

Are you there?

Are you there?

I don't know if you are, or aren't.

I think you are. I feel as if you are. I'm so sure of it on good days.

But then comes a slow sinking feeling that I will be left heartbroken.

I shouldn't be heartbroken though.

I should want to ignore you, and I should want you to not exist... But I can't help myself.

I'm in love with who you are becoming. Who I think you are becoming, anyway.

Sometimes, I gently touch you, or what I think is you and I imagine that you know me.

That we are already in love.

But... Are you there?

I don't know right now.

Everything around me screams "No... No... NO!... NOOO!!!"

My heart is screaming "Yes, please don't just be a dream! Please be real!"

My dreams only consist of you, these days.

I just can't help but to always have you on my mind, it seems.

I don't know.

Are you there?

Who are you? Where are you? Who will you become?

I want to hug you and tell you that I wanted this all along, but…

Be...

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Am I the only one here?

Hello?

You've been so distant.

You avoid talking to me.

You don't even look at me anymore.

I haven't done anything wrong...

Hellooo?

Why aren't you talking to me?

I'm scared and I don't want to be in this alone.

I can't do this by myself.

Why am I so calm and you're the one running?

Why are you running?

Please talk to me.

Hellllllooooo?!

I miss you in my life.

We need to support each other.

We need each other.

Please hold me... Kiss me.

Quit running!

Take my hand and comfort me for a bit!

Get out of your head.

This isn't easy on either of us!

Hey...

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
This is scary.
But I'm trying to be strong... For you.

Where are you?

A sister

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A sister is a friend that you can call on any time of day or night.
A sister is someone you can go ages without talking to, and pick up right where you left off.
A sister is someone who you yell at, and she may yell at you...
But you and your sister will always make up!

A sister is someone you can tell all of your secrets to.
A sister is someone who loves you, unconditionally.
A sister's family accepts you as their own.
A sister is related to you, by blood or by choice.

A sister is someone who cares about you through it all.
A sister is someone who never judges you, no matter what you are going through.
A sister is always honest with you, even if it hurts.
But your sister will always make you smile.

A sister will mend your heart after someone has broken it.
A sister will also kick whosever ass broke your heart!
A sister will drink with you and laugh about stupid things that you did in the past.
And if you are the only one on the dance floor, your sister will always join you.

I hav…

Mending the heart

We threw Mom a surprise party for undergoing breast cancer treatment and handling it like a champion! She went through so much crap and she deserved the whole party! So many people came and showed their love and support to not only Mom, but our family as well! It was so much fun.

People who I was not very close with even came... That's how much my mom touches people's lives.

And I made amends with three dear people in my life.

I pushed them away and they came back... It took time, because I was pretty damn harsh, like I can be. But they came back! That is how you know you have a great person in your life.

Don't get me wrong... DO NOT JUST PUSH PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE WHO WILL COME BACK!

I was in a bad and dark place. I didn't know what I was doing. I was doing more harm to myself than anything be kicking good and loving people out of my life.

I am more loved than I know and ALL of my friends and family are VERY amazing!

I allowed too much hate and negativit…

Self-help

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Always remember!

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I want to hold your hand.

I was weak.
I was really weak.
I was angry.
I was really angry.
I missed you like crazy, and you weren't there.

I wasn't in a good place with my life.
I was insecure, anxious, worried, depressed, angry, hurt, and confused.

And for so long, I had depended on you to help me through those types of emotions.
But you weren't there.
You were in a new relationship, and it was so special and so important to you.
Rightfully so.

But I needed... wanted you there.
Maybe I was a bit jealous.
But ultimately, I was lonely and hurt. Because I missed you... above all I missed you.

I pushed you away when you finally extended you hand to me.
I was so angry.
I was not accepting of your new lives together.
I was selfish and I hurt you. Both of you.

It was awful to cut you out of my life.
I could have approached things a lot better, by telling you how I felt and talking face-to-face.

Unfortunately, I cannot change how I handled things in the past.

I can, however, change how I view the two of yo…

The new girl in town...

Funny thing about our family dog, Chippy... He's ornery when he's alone... So we got him a girlfriend!

Not really, she's spayed and all. And he actually is just ornery in general, but the company and companionship is so good for dogs. Being socialized helps them a lot.

Her name is Bella. Her previous master was a very kind woman who was simply no longer able to take care of her anymore. She very kindly gave Bella to us for nothing! She loved the idea of Bella coming to a home with another dog to play with and a family that would play with her, walk her, and love and spoil her as much as possible...

So, now we have two dogs again! Haha!

There have been some tiffs between them, but otherwise it is going very well!

The two biggest concerns now are:
1) Getting Bella to listen and follow our commands.
2) And not allowing Chippy to be possessive of us or the furniture if he is up there before her.

Bella has been learning and is doing very well with our basic training. It's s…

An open letter to the struggling woman in me

To whom it may concern,

I feel like I miss you, however have I ever really met you? If I have met you, have I ever gotten to know you? I don't know..

I know you are a wife, but are you even any good at being one? What do you do to support your husband? You stay at home all day, clean now and then, cook and do some laundry. Meanwhile, he works every night for ten hours most night, sometimes all by himself.
You're happy to see him when he gets home, but does he look at you through bittersweet stares? Does it grind his very existence that he is living with YOUR parents, that he leaves for ten hours every night, and you get to do what you want at home all day?
Is this his resentment?...
Or your insecurity?

I know you have been hurt. Sexually, mentally, emotionally, physically, verbally...
How has that hurt shaped you? Who are you because of this hurt? Where has it brought you to today?
Do you know who you are?

I know you are living with a mental illness, but my question to you is,…

Life as of late...

The first week of school went well. Really well, actually. I'm still waiting on my last graded assignment, but I don't think it will be graded until later because they were due tonight, I believe. This second week looks a bit more intense, but I think I'm ready for the challenge!
Matt and I had a great weekend! On Friday, we just relaxed and stayed home and had a nice dinner of wine, meat, and cheese. We decided to keep kind of low this weekend and spend some time together, because this whole third shift thing is kicking our asses. Matt had been spending more time doing things he wanted to do for himself than spending time with me and giving me some hubby/wifey time. He acknowledged that when I brought it to his attention, and we decided to have that family time this weekend. So we did! We relaxed and enjoyed each other's company this weekend, and today we went to Karl Oskar Day's in Lindstrom and we played human foosball with some great friends! Afterwards, (since…

Back to school!

Hey all!

I began class yesterday online through Rasmussen College. I actually really love it! I have so much time to dedicate to my class(es) that I actually put a lot more effort into it and read my text book, and have been working all night on making flashcards on 36 pages of notes on medical terminology.

PS: If anyone in the medical field ever wants to help me study, I'd welcome it with open arms!

You may be wondering why I said "class(es)" above -- I take two classes for the whole quarter. the quarter is divided into two terms and I take one class for 5.5 weeks and the other class for the remaining 5.5 weeks. Which is VERY nice! It may be more stressful in the fact that I will probably have a lot more packed into a smaller amount of time, but I feel good about it, and I feel even better starting off part-time to get back into the swing of it.

So I had my first online lecture last night. Man, school (particularly online classes) have changed a lot since I first/last t…

A new chapter.

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Well, it is official -- I begin online courses through Rasmussen College on Monday, July 6th for my Associate's Degree to become a Health Information Technician (HIT - So if you see me say HIT at all, you know what it means).

How do I feel about all of this happening so suddenly, you may ask?
CRAZY! I feel like it has just been a whirlwind of crazy!

I am kind of nervous, but I have done a few online courses before so I feel pretty good about the whole situation. Plus, they had us take an online introductory course for five days that basically gives you the layout of the online courses and demonstrates how to use everything and get the most out of your experiences.

Mostly though, I feel excited! I feel as though my life has meaning again and I'm working toward the bigger picture! Not that my life didn't have meaning before, but it's just difficult to not be working when you really want to, and to see your husband and family doing so much, and you feel as if you aren'…

45 Truths

Here is a great article I found posted on Twitter by a great page I follow. Go ahead and read the article, and if you have a Twitter account, fly on over and give @BipolarUs a follow!

Thanks beauties!

https://www.yahoo.com/health/45-truths-people-with-bipolar-disorder-wish-others-121766346653.html