Tulips in the garden

Tulips.

They are, and always have been my favorite flowers.

This time of the year, they seem to pop up all over the place. Even in grocery stores! 

At first, green. Then a bud of color before the explosion of yellow, red, pink, coral, purple...

Tulips.

My favorite.

I bought some for myself the other day. I don't know why I felt compelled to do so, but I did.

Perhaps it is because Mother's day is tomorrow.

I am blessed with the most caring and kindhearted mother anyone could ask for.

But my tulips weren't for her.

They were mine.

They've become magnificent. Blooming in red and green. 

Popping.

An explosion... of my heart.

I will always remember the last four times my heart exploded.

With each little positive sign. With each spike in that heart monitor. With every beat of their hearts.

My tulips didn't survive the past several winters.

How my heart aches for the first signs of spring... Those wretched winters that stole my tulips and ripped away my heart in a literal explosion of turmoil.

I live for my tulips.

They didn't survive in the garden, as I had hoped.

Maybe I wasn't meant to grow a garden of tulips. Perhaps, roses are more for me.

I love roses, but they do not compare to my tulips in the garden.

_____

In loving memory of my tulips I have lost, and for all of the silent mother's surviving after a miscarriage.