What it means to be his wife

So, Matt and I got into a discussion last night. Basically, we have come to the conclusion that we are like good friends in a comfortable roommate situation.

This conclusion didn't sit well with either of us. So, we have made a plan of action and are going to start abiding by it to make this work the way we want it to.

Now, I am left here, on my computer, watching the episode of The Office where Jim proposes to Pam in the rain at the gas station. It is right before he leaves to meet her, and I've paused the episode to write this post.

The day Matt proposed to me, was, what I thought at the time, the happiest day of my life.

I was wrong, however. It was the day I became his wife.

Don't judge me for this, but I don't remember much of the important stuff that day.

Okay, I remember the flowers, seeing him, the kiss, the laughing, the dancing, the food, the love, the happily ever after... But I do not remember much of the ceremony, which I have always thought to be the most important part of the wedding day. That is the moment you kind of seal the deal, so to speak.

I don't remember what was said by our pastor.
I remember my father-in-law giving a beautiful reading, but I couldn't tell you what it was about.
I don't remember the faces of all of our loved ones there to support us.
I don't even remember our vows. Yeah! Crazy right?

Because of this, I have been carrying around a weight, or a sort of guilt, if you will, with me since I realized I have no recollection of these wonderful moments of our wedding day.

It eats at me and chisels away at my self-esteem, just like all of the other internal demons I battle on a daily basis.

But for some reason, this one hurt and burdened me the most.

This was the happiest day of my life. I married the man of my dreams. I pledged my love to him in front of all of our friends and family that day... and I could not, for the life of me, remember what exactly I said.

This is where this episode of The Office comes into play.
Jim loves Pam. He knows that. We know that.
However, it isn't until he begins to talk to someone else about loving/marrying/dating Pam that he realizes there is no better time than the present to go after what you love and to dive deep into that commitment. It's almost like, he always knows that he loves her, but it's not until he is describing the way he feels for her to someone else that he realizes how much he truly does love her.

Which brings me here today, writing this blog post, hoping in my heart that Matt reads this and that he doesn't get upset.

What I do remember of our ceremony on our wedding day, was how he looked at me. He smiled the whole time. His eyes lit up when I came down the stairs. And, besides looking down, so I wouldn't trip, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so handsome. He reached for my hands first and we held hands through the whole ceremony. Whenever something was said that resonated with him, he would give my hands a gentle squeeze. I couldn't cry. I didn't want to cry. I was so incredibly happy, there was no way for my body to even begin to think about how to create tears in that moment.
All, I remember was him.

And in that moment I knew that I was in this, with him, for the rest of our lives.

No matter what he wants. No matter what I want. We will always find a way to compromise and work through it.

No matter what hardships life brings us, we can navigate the course together, hand-in-hand, with a reassuring squeeze every now and then.

He is my best friend, and I am comfortable with him. Come on! 11 years with the same person will do that to you!

I no longer carry any guilt or feelings of being burdened for not remembering our ceremony because what I am able to remember is what I value the most about our wedding day. Him.

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