Epic losses

I am here.

I don't want to be here.

I don't know where I want to be, but I know it's not here. In this place. In this position, yet again.

I lost my job today. Too many absences. And yes, I may have just been a "temp", however, I need that income. My husband and I need that income to survive.

I require health insurance. I require medications. I require routine psychiatrist, doctor, and therapist visits. I require things that cost money. A lot of money.

These aren't frivolities of everyday fun... THIS IS MY LIFE. This is my everyday existence... My constant uphill battle within my head and heart.

I always hated that question... what do you want to be when you grow up?

I don't fucking know! I didn't know then and I sure as hell don't know now, and I think we can all agree that that is pretty obvious.

I need a job. I hate working. I hate leaving the sanctity of my home. The comforts of my pajamas. And yet, I crave being out there with people! UGH! Don't lock me up in that stuffy house again! I need to interact! I am an extrovert! And yet, I am sad. And uncomfortable. And lonely. And chronically ill. And I don't want to do stuff today... or tomorrow. And I'm tired. Oh God, am I tired...

People talk and talk about heaven and hell... For me, this is hell. My body... my mind... is a personal living hell day in and day out! A personal hell that knows exactly what to do, what to say, what to think to cut so deep and then twist the dagger, all whilst adding a nice hint of lemon juice to the freshly opened wound.

I'm so tired.

I'm still here.

Where do I want to be? QUIT ASKING ME THAT!
Where are you working... now? Neither here nor there...

Can I disappear yet?

This battle... this internal struggle that no matter what good may be happening in my life, it must sabotage. It must destroy. I must ruin the happiness of my life, or else, the happiness will fade of its own accord and then I'm left... empty and sad. But if I leave first... If I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction... I'll escape the empty!

Never.

Empty isn't something I am capable of outrunning. Empty follows. It lingers. It consumes like an all encompassing cavern full of hatred and self-loathing.

I can't. I can't see the hurt in their eyes anymore.

I create that. The hope, followed shortly by the hurt that stabs at them.

Please, God! Please, either remove their eyes or remove me from this existence. I can't take it anymore.

I want to disappear...

That's what I want to be when I grow up... invisible....

Am I gone yet?