I have not quit.

It happened again.

Sitting on the couch, putzing around on my phone.

Waking up on the floor to my dog licking me with a bump on my head.

I either fainted, or I had a seizure. And given my past, I think it is safe to say that I most likely had a seizure.

Time to stop what I am doing, take a step back, and reevaluate this situation.

Why did I have a seizure?
- I am stressed out like a mother trucker.

Why am I stressed out?
- Getting yelled at by people at work all day, working long hours, not forcing myself to take my lunch breaks, feeling like I have had little to no training and yet I am expected to know how to do quite a bit.

Okay, so work is stressing me out. Now, what should I do?
- Well, I shouldn't call in. I should really still go into work.

But I want to run. I want to run far and I want to run fast.

I can admit it this time.

I don't like this job. I am not comfortable in this job.

But I need to pay bills. I need to contribute. I cannot simply quit.

...

I've called in today.

I haven't quit, but I called in.

What are my next steps?...

Schedule a therapy appointment for today... DONE!

I have to talk this out. I am an external processor, and I need to talk through this.

People will be upset with me, but I have NOT quit.

How do I move forward in this moment?
- Blogging is helping. After this, I may color while listening to music. Meditate and pray.

Okay, so I am taking care of myself. Good.

And... I HAVE NOT QUIT.

I won't quit. Not until something else is lined up.

But I need tools to cope with the current situation. Which is what I will discuss in therapy today.

This is the first time I have ever been rational about running and wanting to run. Yay for rationality.

But this still sucks that I want to run.

Why do I do this?
- Because I feel as if I am not strong and that I am unable to cope with my present situation.

Is that true?
- No. I am an incredibly strong woman. I have come so far and I continue to go so far every day. I have fought many internal and external battles of which I have grown up from.

Am I able to cope with the present situation?
- Yes. I am. I want to see my therapist today. I have not seen her in over a month. We are trying to do once a month now because things are looking up for me. I do think I need to be diligent and see her within that month. I cannot postpone it, or skip it. It is time for me that is absolutely necessary.

Will you go to work tomorrow?
- Yes. I will go to work tomorrow.

How will you handle going to work tomorrow? What will make it easier and less stressful?
- I will take one baby step at a time. One moment at a time.
Wake up.
Get out of bed.
Take Mochi out.
Use the bathroom.
Get coffee.
Eat breakfast.
Shower.
Brush my teeth.
Bush my hair.
Put on my makeup.
Get dressed.
Take Mochi out.
Start my car.
Bring Mochi in.
Put Mochi in his kennel.
Pack lunch.
Grab a water.
Leave for work.
Arrive at work.
Work.
Lunch.
Work until 4:30 pm EXACTLY.
Go home.
Breathe.

Literally, one moment at a time. I can only focus on the one task at hand. It is when I jumble them all together that I panic and get flighty.

What do you have to look forward to for today?
- I may have a possible job interview which could potentially get me out of this mess.
- I am going to see my therapist.
- I may get to spend some time with my mom.

How will another job differ from this one? How will you escape the "mess" with a different job?
- The problem does not ALWAYS lie within the job, but the majority of the time, it is within me. I am aware of that. I know what signs to look for. It sucks to hear it from someone else, but a very dear friend pointed it out to me this morning that I was running. I wanted to resist her words. However, once I read them, I couldn't escape the thought that I was running from the problem at hand and that I needed to own up to it. So, here I am owning up to it and writing down my EXACT thought process right now.

You didn't answer the above question fully...
- Well, I hope this potential job is less stressful and has less angry clients. I am extremely empathetic and I take things to heart and very personally. I am working on developing a thicker skin, which I would say has improved, but I am still a work in progress.
- I guess what I am trying to say and what I am getting at is that I am the mess. But I am a beautiful and complex mess. I am not a stain that need be removed. I am perfectly imperfect, and every day I try my hardest to be a good human being and a better person. I am learning. Had you asked me, even a year ago, to put my thought process down like this when I felt my flight mode seeping into my soul, I would have cried, shot a big fat "NOPE" your way, and taken off in the opposite direction.

What I am getting on about is that I am doing better. I am getting better. Today there was a hitch in my giddy up, but I am improving. Constantly improving.

I am not going to work today. I feel bad about it, and I will have to deal with my guilt over it, however, I am so stinking proud of myself for what I just did and what I am doing right in this moment.

Damn, girl... Strength and self-love look good on me!

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