The person I want to be

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and asked yourself, "how did I get here?"

I'm having one of those nights tonight.

I've been having a long talk with God and I feel frustrated because I just feel like I'm talking in circles and rambling on and on. It's like... Uhhh! Enough already!

I'm really new with my faith and I'm extremely new at having conversations with God. (I would love to tell my coming-to-faith story, but we will save that for another day!)

I've found myself in a predicament lately because I've been taking really good care of my skin, hair, nails, feet, but not really what goes into my body... the core of it all.
A friend of mine and I just started a weight loss challenge, and both of us were doing great on our nutrition plans before that, but for some reason, when the challenge hit... (I can't speak for her) I froze. I panicked and felt as if I wouldn't be good enough... As if I didn't deserve to win. How could I ever compete with such athletes... I'm no athlete! So I've been floundering a bit lately... I don't know if I should just keep going to the challenges but not weigh in, go weigh in and just not look at it, or what?

It is so freaking frustrating that whenever a challenge or stressful event presents itself in my life... I choke!

So tonight, God and I are not seeing eye-to-eye.

So, I forced myself to see myself through (what I think would be) God's eyes. I looked at myself in the mirror for a while. And then I cried.

I have been so blessed to find someone who can love me when I am finding it hard to love myself.

I don't like what I see, but I know I have the power to change it.
Why to challenges seem to just shut me down?
Why is change so hard?
Do I really have to love ALL of myself?
Do I deserve to be happy?

The answers are not easy to come by. I can answer three of them... Change is hard because it challenges us. I do have to love ALL of myself. And YES, I do deserve happiness. But the last one is where God and I are struggling tonight.

I feel like I'm at the top of the mountain by asking the question out loud and just about to discover what's on the other side, but I'm just not brave enough yet to look over the peak...