Hate, Hide, Hope

Do you ever feel useless?
Like, completely, totally, and utterly useless?

I'm struggling through this right now.
I'm struggling with this post right now.

I hate not working.
I hate not feeling like I am making a difference or contributing.
I hate committing to something and quitting after a week.
I hate my fear of being successful and happy.
I hate my flighty tendencies.
I HATE ALL OF THESE THINGS WITH A PASSION!

How come then I am able to hate these things so much but struggle with changing them about myself?

Why is it easier for me to sit in my "hate stew" and absorb the hate until it has seeped into my core rather than simply get out of my stew pot and move onward and upward?

Why do I sabotage myself and continually climb back into my stew pot to absorb more of what I hate?

Why?

I'll tell you why...
It's so much easier for me to sit in this stew pot and hate these things about myself than it actually is to physically change.
It's easy to run. It's difficult to stand your ground.

Change pushes you. It places you outside of the stew pot and physically onto the burner itself.
It's painful, uncomfortable, and messy.
My "hate stew" is seeping out of me as I sit upon my uncomfortable "burner of change".

The places I hide...
Self-loathing...
Worthlessness...
Self-pity...
Blame...

All of it is seeping out onto the burner... onto the stove top, outside of the stew pot.
The beauty of it all is this... Without the stew pot, the "hate stew" that seeps out of me while I sit there will eventually evaporate and disappear. Soon, life without the hate and hiding will make sense.

BUT... And that's a big but... It takes physically standing up, stepping one leg at a time over the side of the stew pot, and moving to that uncomfortable place in the middle of the "burner of change" to begin. Before the hate can disappear... Before the self-loathing, feelings of uselessness/worthlessness, self-pity, and blame... before these feelings that I absolutely hate can disappear... I have to change.

I have to change my behavior...
I have to change my attitude...
I have to change my position...

I have to hate those things so badly that I want to sit on a scalding hot burner to change myself for the better.

And then, I have to hope.

I'm not saying I have to have hope, wherein hope is a noun.
I'm saying I have to hope. Hope must be my verb.

I will change where I hide within myself... behind those feelings that aren't a secure and safe place to seek refuge. I will hide within my Lord. And I will hope in my Lord. Hope for more than how I currently feel as I sit in my "hate stew"...

Oh! Do you hear that?...

Timer's done... time to empty the pot...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why?

Why do I let you consume my life at times and enter my mind? Maybe it's because you have wronged me worse than anyone ever has in my life. Why do I let the horrible things you say to us overwhelm me and make me feel like I could just break down and cry? Because you have not only picked a fight with me, but my husband as well. Why do I let you get away with things that I know are not okay? Because I think you are my friend, or are you? Why am I even giving any of you the time of day at this very moment?! Because sometimes the negativity in this world is overwhelming. And it overwhelms me to see people post and share and tweet and whatever such harmful and negative things. How can one see only the bad in a situation? How can one only focus on the bad one may be doing? What is the good? Where is the good? I feel so often, lately, as if I am drowning in a sea of blackness with all of your negative remarks and comments. How do you hold your head above water? I do it long enough...
Read more

The person I want to be

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and asked yourself, "how did I get here?" I'm having one of those nights tonight. I've been having a long talk with God and I feel frustrated because I just feel like I'm talking in circles and rambling on and on. It's like... Uhhh! Enough already! I'm really new with my faith and I'm extremely new at having conversations with God. (I would love to tell my coming-to-faith story, but we will save that for another day!) I've found myself in a predicament lately because I've been taking really good care of my skin, hair, nails, feet, but not really what goes into my body... the core of it all. A friend of mine and I just started a weight loss challenge, and both of us were doing great on our nutrition plans before that, but for some reason, when the challenge hit... (I can't speak for her) I froze. I panicked and felt as if I wouldn't be good enough... As if I didn't deserv...
Read more

With courage comes peace

The title says it all... I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace. After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together. Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. ...
Read more