Hate, Hide, Hope

Do you ever feel useless?
Like, completely, totally, and utterly useless?

I'm struggling through this right now.
I'm struggling with this post right now.

I hate not working.
I hate not feeling like I am making a difference or contributing.
I hate committing to something and quitting after a week.
I hate my fear of being successful and happy.
I hate my flighty tendencies.
I HATE ALL OF THESE THINGS WITH A PASSION!

How come then I am able to hate these things so much but struggle with changing them about myself?

Why is it easier for me to sit in my "hate stew" and absorb the hate until it has seeped into my core rather than simply get out of my stew pot and move onward and upward?

Why do I sabotage myself and continually climb back into my stew pot to absorb more of what I hate?

Why?

I'll tell you why...
It's so much easier for me to sit in this stew pot and hate these things about myself than it actually is to physically change.
It's easy to run. It's difficult to stand your ground.

Change pushes you. It places you outside of the stew pot and physically onto the burner itself.
It's painful, uncomfortable, and messy.
My "hate stew" is seeping out of me as I sit upon my uncomfortable "burner of change".

The places I hide...
Self-loathing...
Worthlessness...
Self-pity...
Blame...

All of it is seeping out onto the burner... onto the stove top, outside of the stew pot.
The beauty of it all is this... Without the stew pot, the "hate stew" that seeps out of me while I sit there will eventually evaporate and disappear. Soon, life without the hate and hiding will make sense.

BUT... And that's a big but... It takes physically standing up, stepping one leg at a time over the side of the stew pot, and moving to that uncomfortable place in the middle of the "burner of change" to begin. Before the hate can disappear... Before the self-loathing, feelings of uselessness/worthlessness, self-pity, and blame... before these feelings that I absolutely hate can disappear... I have to change.

I have to change my behavior...
I have to change my attitude...
I have to change my position...

I have to hate those things so badly that I want to sit on a scalding hot burner to change myself for the better.

And then, I have to hope.

I'm not saying I have to have hope, wherein hope is a noun.
I'm saying I have to hope. Hope must be my verb.

I will change where I hide within myself... behind those feelings that aren't a secure and safe place to seek refuge. I will hide within my Lord. And I will hope in my Lord. Hope for more than how I currently feel as I sit in my "hate stew"...

Oh! Do you hear that?...

Timer's done... time to empty the pot...

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