Abuse

Enough with the vague postings and shit. This is what went down.

I fell in love with a woman who is in a committed relationship.
I, a woman in a committed relationship, fell in love with a woman in a committed relationship.

Obviously, you can see where the trouble lies.

I told Matt, my husband about it. Luckily, I am married to Jim Halpert from "The Office" because he was and is a saint about these things. Well, this particular thing has never happened before.

Being pansexual, I have been attracted to many women, but never have I fallen for one before.

I tried to run, push away, and even bury my feelings. But, just as love tends to do, it came bursting forth in a magnificent way.

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Our friendship is now deteriorating. And I hate that.

I am bombarded with questions about what is going on, who are you talking about, are you okay.

I am also being bombarded with harassment.

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I am a loving person. I am also an extremely private person. This blog and my YouTube videos are TERRIFYING for me to do.

So, here are some truth bombs for y'all to learn a quick crash course in Jill...

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I have been in an abusive relationship. I have been in 3 abusive relationships.

One of them resulted in a breakup that led to me being strangled nearly to death. I blacked out. Woke up. He was gone.

I have been verbally and emotionally abused my whole life.

Being called names such as "whore", "hooker", "fat ass", "slut", or my personal favorite "pig".

I used to be a decent role in our school plays, but when no one noticed me, I would roll myself up into the theater stage curtain and cry silently.

I was molested by a trusted family friend when I was 14.

Everything I have been through has changed the way I think and act on love.

Love was abuse.
Abuse was love.

This is all I had ever known.

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Until my husband came along.

I had never been treated so... important. It was like I mattered.

He was good to me. I took on the role of the abuser for several years.

It wasn't until I found a healthy mix of medications and therapy that I am able to proudly say, we love each other in a very healthy way and have for quite some time now.

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When I fall in love. I become jealous and possessive. It was a trait of my abusers that rubbed off on me. I have only truly fallen in love one time (with Matt) and it was a difficult and nearly devastating process. But we have learned from it and grown together with it.

When I fell in love with her... I became that way yet again. It was difficult and scary for both of us.

So, I have made amends, but now our friendship is fading, and very quickly.

She was my person, so to have this happen is absolutely devastating for me, and her I am sure.

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The damage is done. There is nothing left to do.

I can put up with harassment during the day, but please know that when you say hurtful things to someone via social media, rather than confronting them privately, you may be defending an abuse victim, but you may be triggering another towards a dark, scary place.

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I need to practice this as well. That is why I have my blog and my YouTube videos, to be honest and not hide behind a vague Facebook post. Sorry, I did that, guys.

Please, if you have something to say to someone, talk to them directly. Don't hide behind your own vague Facebook postings and belittle them publicly. That is what an abuser does.

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