Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

My school hosted a career fair today at their Brooklyn Park location. My mom and I both attended it. At first when I received the email regarding the career fair, I was like, "Oh sure I'll sign up." But I truly had no intention of going. I'm interested, however, I just began this career path and I don't think it will benefit me very much. Well, my advisor kept emailing me about the career fair this, the career fair that. Then, my admissions advisor gives me a call and leaves me a voicemail... She tells me how happy she would be to accept my LinkedIn connection, and then she proceeds to ask me if I am attending the career fair... HOLY CRAP! I GET THE HINT! Ha ha! Well, I finally tell my therapist that I will not be able to attend therapy this week and that I'm going to the career fair. Yeah... they won me over. My mom and I get there and there are tons of advisors to greet us and direct us to the correct location for my mock interview where I will be...

The title says it all... I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace. After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together. Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. ...

As some of my loyal and/or personally close readers know, I have been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a month. I have lost 11 pounds and have built crazy amounts of endurance and muscle meeting with a personal trainer once a week. It's so much fun to go grocery shopping now! Granted I do it all online through Coborns Delivery, so I don't have to deal with obnoxious and rude cart-wielding customers, and really crappy parking spots, which is amazing ! I look up Pinterest recipes and share the Pinterest board with one of my close friends, and I scour it once a week looking for next week's recipe of choice for a big, left-over-creating meal. I shop, make it on Sunday or Monday, hit the gym, eat healthy, and do it all again next week. Sounds pretty simple and completely doable right? Weeeeeeellllllll, yes... and no.  I know I should be a big ball of positivity about changing my lifestyle for the better, and all of these great things I am doing for mys...

My first two days of my new job (Wednesday and Thursday) were so great! The kids were just darlings... I mean don't get me wrong, they did test the limits, but they were so good and they have manners, and behave so well! I am so thrilled with this choice in my life and that my trainer chose me and trusted me to do this job. Wednesday was a long day, especially for my first day working again. The kids were fun and we did a lot of cool stuff together, but man was I tired by the time I got home. And I guess the kids crashed pretty hard too. Thursday, I met my friend/trainer and the kiddos at the park by my house and we played for over an hour! It was amazing! They ran, they jumped, they climbed, they were swinging... it was just awesome! Then we went back to Mom's and we painted some pie pumpkins and watched Princess and the Frog. One of the kids was fast asleep during the movie (playing is so exhausting!) and the other colored pictures with me while we watched movies and orde...

Life has taken and unexpected turn, lately. I have accepted a part-time nannying job from a friend of mine, and I couldn't be more excited about it! I haven't worked with children for a little over a year and I am so looking forward to working closely with one family and building a relationship with them and her sweet children. I'm sure I will have a lot of adventures to talk about with nannying! School is school. I am working ahead and trying to accomplish everything during the week and have nothing left to do for the weekend. I really am enjoying my classes so far and full-time is going well, for being in the second week. I am excited about a couple of research projects I have coming up where I get to choose what I research. I chose triple negative breast cancer (what my mom was diagnosed with) and EHR (electronic health records). I think they will make two pretty interesting research topics for my HIT (health information technician) degree. Lately, my life as been ...

I still love you. Even if you don't love me. Even if you hate me. I will still love you. You have meant so much to me for so long now, that I can't just stop loving you. I know you are a good person and I know that good person is still in there somewhere. I wish you well. So badly I want to hold you and tell you I love you and how I want you to be happy, the way I am happy. You would probably pull away. I don't know how to help. I don't think I can. It's hard to let go of this idea I have that I can help everyone, but I'm learning how to do it with you. I just want you to have whatever it is that will make you happy, whether I am in the picture or not. More than anything, I wish you peace. I wish you peace in everything you do. Peace in your mind, words, heart, actions, everything. I wish you peace.

I feel a lot like a paper doll lately. For those of you who are too young to know this/remember, we used to play with dolls made out of paper with various dresses/outfits etc that kind of "clipped" on to them. It was cheap, and a lot of fun... to me anyway. What I mean by my first statement is that I have always felt like a paper doll stuck within a sheet of paper, just waiting to be punched out of the sheet of paper and to be used for my ultimate purpose. I know, kind of difficult to grasp, but this is honestly how I feel. I've conformed my whole life to be someone I'm not. I've been polite to/kind to people out of my own worry of "what will they think of me", "what will they say about me", etc. I wanted to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, eat certain things, look a certain way, hell I even wanted my hand writing to look a certain way! That's how badly I wanted to "fit in". I was friends with people who weren...