I wrote a letter

I wrote a letter ton Sunday. It was directed "To Whom It May Concern". It was intended for my friends, family, and Matt.

It was my suicide letter.

Thankfully (and obviously) I didn't have to use it. I am still here.

...

Friday night. Everything was fine and going well, until I went to the restroom. I was bleeding. Unusually heavy for the first day. That's when I realized... This wasn't normal. I was having a miscarriage. My secret lately was that we thought I was pregnant, and apparently I was. But it didn't last.

I didn't tell anyone. I began to drink. I drank so much that most of this weekend was a blur. I remember fighting with Matt, and some bits and pieces, but I was blacked out most of the weekend. I was self-medicating and I was going hard. Apparently, I'm a high functioning drunk because not too many people could tell that I was blacked out or completely unaware.

That is until Sunday.

I crashed. I hit the depression-wall so hard, that it hit me back.

I couldn't fight the bad and negative thoughts.

"What did I do wrong?"
"This is all your fault!"
"You are a failure!"

I tried, but it didn't take me long to succumb to the darkness.

I messaged my therapist, who (THANK GOD) got ahold of Matt, who reached out to my mom, who came to my rescue.

Matt thought it happened Saturday, he had no idea I was fighting this battle on Friday night while we were fighting.

...

Things are better now, but I feel like an ass, or at least like I made an ass of myself. I apologized to those who saw me Sunday at my worst, and my therapist who I was not very cooperative with during that difficult time, but she showed amazing patience and persistence, not to mention a level of love and understanding I have never before experienced with a therapist before.

I have a great deal of support in my life, but damn... It gets hard sometimes.

I don't really know what the point of this post is now that I'm here.

I guess I just want everyone to know that no matter how low you feel, or how shitty life is at the moment... Somebody out there loves you and needs you in their life. Please don't give up on life. Don't give up on yourself. Ever. You are worth every bit of love and deserve to live your life just as much as anyone else. Please believe that. Please know that.

I threw away the letter I wrote yesterday...

It felt so good to crumple up and toss all of those negative thoughts and all of that hurt.

I mean... damn. Life is good.

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