Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

I am coming to terms with my new diagnosis. People around me tend to question it more than I do at this point. It can be a struggle, what with my lack of self-esteem and wishy-washy ways of not knowing who I am/am capable of being, but I am managing quite well. My first DBT group was a little rough. I basically crashed during DBT due to high stress/anxiety/fear of not knowing what to expect. Also, I did not really get the chance to participate due to not being there previously to engage in the homework discussions. However, this week was completely different. I knew what to expect. I wasn't very nervous. I had homework and input to contribute. I was looking forward to it. And I was eager to continue to learn and apply more to my life. Don't get me wrong. DBT is not an easy fix or a quick fix by any means. Already I have noticed that I have the tendency to focus very well on my skills at the beginning of the week because they are fresh in my mind from having DBT group on Mon...

As some of you know, I have started a new chapter in my mental health treatment. I am currently seeing a new therapist at the Minnesota Center for Psychology in St. Paul and I am undergoing an intensive group therapy called DBT (Dialectal Behavior Therapy). ---- For more information, feel free to do your own research on DBT, or to check out this link to the NAMI page with information on various forms of therapy below! https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy ---- I have met with my new therapist three times and I had my first DBT group session this past Monday. It was intense. Not intense in the sense that it was so emotionally draining, but it was more that I was so anxious because I did not know what to expect, but once I realized that I was in a safe space, I let go of my fears and anxiety and I had an intense crash. I sat for the remaining half hour of group just kind of zoning out, even though I was trying my hardest to be present, mindful, respectful of others...

Enough with the vague postings and shit. This is what went down. I fell in love with a woman who is in a committed relationship. I, a woman in a committed relationship, fell in love with a woman in a committed relationship. Obviously, you can see where the trouble lies. I told Matt, my husband about it. Luckily, I am married to Jim Halpert from "The Office" because he was and is a saint about these things. Well, this particular thing has never happened before. Being pansexual, I have been attracted to many women, but never have I fallen for one before. I tried to run, push away, and even bury my feelings. But, just as love tends to do, it came bursting forth in a magnificent way. ---- Our friendship is now deteriorating. And I hate that. I am bombarded with questions about what is going on, who are you talking about, are you okay. I am also being bombarded with harassment. ---- I am a loving person. I am also an extremely private person. This blog and m...

To be vulnerable is a gift. To share your vulnerability with another is even more so. To share your open vulnerability of love is the greatest gift of all. I feel bad for how things went down, but I will never regret sharing a gift such as my heart. Love is meant to be in this wicked world. If it wasn't how would we survive? Sometimes the thought of losing someone or not being with them can make you turn to wicked, venomous words and actions. It is difficult to remember in that moment that jealousy is powerful. But love is the ultimate reason why. The next step from here is moving on. Whether they want you or not, life must continue and you must be gracious. Ouch... Being gracious towards rejection. That sounds so brutal. In reality being bitter is easier to come by than graciousness. However, the bitterness will only drive those you love away and you will wind up hurting yourself in the process. Being gracious and becoming grace is a gift. A gift only vulnerabilit...

Do you ever feel useless? Like, completely, totally, and utterly useless? I'm struggling through this right now. I'm struggling with this post right now. I hate not working. I hate not feeling like I am making a difference or contributing. I hate committing to something and quitting after a week. I hate my fear of being successful and happy. I hate my flighty tendencies. I HATE ALL OF THESE THINGS WITH A PASSION! How come then I am able to hate these things so much but struggle with changing them about myself? Why is it easier for me to sit in my "hate stew" and absorb the hate until it has seeped into my core rather than simply get out of my stew pot and move onward and upward? Why do I sabotage myself and continually climb back into my stew pot to absorb more of what I hate? Why? I'll tell you why... It's so much easier for me to sit in this stew pot and hate these things about myself than it actually is to physically change. It's ...

Why is it easy to find the words when I am miserable. Today I am happy, however, after reading a blog that a friend of mine writes, I am beyond angry and upset. It isn't fair! The shit she has gone through throughout her life... It isn't fair. I hate being an empath sometimes. I don't even have to be around people and I can absorb their emotions simply from reading about them. Sucks. This is my short little angry post.

Where do I begin? I know where I would have liked to have ended. That's sad, isn't it? Well, that's depression. Sometimes I feel good. And sometimes I feel bad. And other times... the very air I breathe feels like poison in my lungs, and surviving is my only option, even it means turning away from something good and running like hell in a new direction. Yup, you read that correctly. I am in flight-mode hardcore. My body is shutting down. Every now and then I'm able to fake it for a few hours. Like, when Matt comes home from work and we run up town to get pills and pizza. Yup, that's basically it. Pills and pizza. My psychiatrist added Ativan to my pill cocktail yesterday. I'm only supposed to take it as needed and use my DBT training for the most part. Living in today's world, working at something sounds like... work. I'd rather have the instant gratification and numbing effect of a small pill take ahold of me. People will find out soon. ...

It happened again. Sitting on the couch, putzing around on my phone. Waking up on the floor to my dog licking me with a bump on my head. I either fainted, or I had a seizure. And given my past, I think it is safe to say that I most likely had a seizure. Time to stop what I am doing, take a step back, and reevaluate this situation. Why did I have a seizure? - I am stressed out like a mother trucker. Why am I stressed out? - Getting yelled at by people at work all day, working long hours, not forcing myself to take my lunch breaks, feeling like I have had little to no training and yet I am expected to know how to do quite a bit. Okay, so work is stressing me out. Now, what should I do? - Well, I shouldn't call in. I should really still go into work. But I want to run. I want to run far and I want to run fast. I can admit it this time. I don't like this job. I am not comfortable in this job. But I need to pay bills. I need to contribute. I cannot simply qu...

I am here. I don't want to be here. I don't know where I want to be, but I know it's not here. In this place. In this position, yet again. I lost my job today. Too many absences. And yes, I may have just been a "temp", however, I need that income. My husband and I need that income to survive. I require health insurance. I require medications. I require routine psychiatrist, doctor, and therapist visits. I require things that cost money. A lot of money. These aren't frivolities of everyday fun... THIS IS MY LIFE. This is my everyday existence... My constant uphill battle within my head and heart. I always hated that question... what do you want to be when you grow up? I don't fucking know! I didn't know then and I sure as hell don't know now, and I think we can all agree that that is pretty obvious. I need a job. I hate working. I hate leaving the sanctity of my home. The comforts of my pajamas. And yet, I crave being out there with ...