The other girl.
There is another girl. She likes to appear now and then and live my life. She's young and she's afraid. She doesn't know what the future has in store for her, yet. My husband loves her. He likes to comfort her and tell her that her future will be okay. I've only met her once... when I was her.
Sometimes I have multiple seizures in one day. When this happens, a strange phenomenon occurs... I lose my memory and wake up from my seizure a young teenager. Matt has told me the youngest I have ever been was 10, if he remembers correctly.
I don't really know that much about the experience because what it feels like to me is a heavy, almost drug-induced sleep.
Typically, it happens at night, and typically I get my memory back the next day.
It happened on Saturday. We were supposed to have a couple of great friends over and I was feeling overwhelmed with my to do list and then Matt and I started in on each other... Well, mostly I started in. He came back in defense and it escalated rather quickly from there.
I had had a seizure, maybe two... It's hard to say now, but I remember feeling woozy while I was shutting off the ceiling fan in our bedroom. The rest was a blank.
I came to, in the kitchen, with music playing and Matt smiling at me. It's a really freaky experience. It's like you were a zombie and someone else was living your life. It's easier to come to when you've been asleep. Very bizarre when you're still awake.
Matt explained to me what happened.
I wasn't surprised... What surprised me most about the situation is what Matt said to me.
He told me, he feels comfortable with the younger me. She doesn't know all of his faults. She's innocent of all of the bad things I have done to hurt him in the past. She is before the mania and the depression. She's confident in herself. She's who I used to be, and really... who I wish I was.
That is my initial thought, anyway. That I want to be her again. But then I remember who she really was, and what it was like to be her.
She had difficult friendships, and typically was closer with the wrong people. People who would later on not be in the picture. She had numerous abusive relationships. She had to lie a lot about what she was feeling, just to save a little face. She may have been confident, but it was not due to a high self-esteem. She was so broken, and it breaks my heart to think of that once being me.
If I could meet her, I would tell her that life was going to change. I can't say if it's for the better or for worse, but I can say you will be loved and supported. Some of the people you once were very close to, will inexplicably disappear from your life, not all of them though, and the ones that stay will become even closer to you. And you will meet new people who will become like family. Your family, although they may frustrate you to no end, just be patient with them. They love you like no other. And lastly, you will meet the man of your dreams. If I could tell you to treat him better and be kind to him, I would. I really wish I could. But he is a wonderful man and he will stand by you through thick and through thin. You will push him, and he will push back, but you will see how strong your love for one another goes.
I want to hug her. I want to tell her to give up on those loser "boyfriends". To respect yourself. To love yourself.
I think, if anyone could go back and talk to their past self, they'd have a lot of advice, and maybe, if your like me, you'd like to change some things about your past.
Truth is, the past makes us who we are today. It does not define us, more so just guides us.
I don't really know how to close this post, without saying something really corny... So, here's a nice quote...
Sometimes I have multiple seizures in one day. When this happens, a strange phenomenon occurs... I lose my memory and wake up from my seizure a young teenager. Matt has told me the youngest I have ever been was 10, if he remembers correctly.
I don't really know that much about the experience because what it feels like to me is a heavy, almost drug-induced sleep.
Typically, it happens at night, and typically I get my memory back the next day.
It happened on Saturday. We were supposed to have a couple of great friends over and I was feeling overwhelmed with my to do list and then Matt and I started in on each other... Well, mostly I started in. He came back in defense and it escalated rather quickly from there.
I had had a seizure, maybe two... It's hard to say now, but I remember feeling woozy while I was shutting off the ceiling fan in our bedroom. The rest was a blank.
I came to, in the kitchen, with music playing and Matt smiling at me. It's a really freaky experience. It's like you were a zombie and someone else was living your life. It's easier to come to when you've been asleep. Very bizarre when you're still awake.
Matt explained to me what happened.
I wasn't surprised... What surprised me most about the situation is what Matt said to me.
He told me, he feels comfortable with the younger me. She doesn't know all of his faults. She's innocent of all of the bad things I have done to hurt him in the past. She is before the mania and the depression. She's confident in herself. She's who I used to be, and really... who I wish I was.
That is my initial thought, anyway. That I want to be her again. But then I remember who she really was, and what it was like to be her.
She had difficult friendships, and typically was closer with the wrong people. People who would later on not be in the picture. She had numerous abusive relationships. She had to lie a lot about what she was feeling, just to save a little face. She may have been confident, but it was not due to a high self-esteem. She was so broken, and it breaks my heart to think of that once being me.
If I could meet her, I would tell her that life was going to change. I can't say if it's for the better or for worse, but I can say you will be loved and supported. Some of the people you once were very close to, will inexplicably disappear from your life, not all of them though, and the ones that stay will become even closer to you. And you will meet new people who will become like family. Your family, although they may frustrate you to no end, just be patient with them. They love you like no other. And lastly, you will meet the man of your dreams. If I could tell you to treat him better and be kind to him, I would. I really wish I could. But he is a wonderful man and he will stand by you through thick and through thin. You will push him, and he will push back, but you will see how strong your love for one another goes.
I want to hug her. I want to tell her to give up on those loser "boyfriends". To respect yourself. To love yourself.
I think, if anyone could go back and talk to their past self, they'd have a lot of advice, and maybe, if your like me, you'd like to change some things about your past.
Truth is, the past makes us who we are today. It does not define us, more so just guides us.
I don't really know how to close this post, without saying something really corny... So, here's a nice quote...
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