Baby -- Maybe?
As I'm writing this post, my sister-in-law is in the hospital preparing to give birth to our second nephew, which is -- to put it mildly -- FREAKING EXCITING!
I love being an auntie and I love my nephew so much that I almost can't believe it! I didn't know how I would be able to find more room in my heart for another nephew, but when I found out that she was heading to the hospital, my heart filled with love for the little life that is about to enter the world soon.
Which got me thinking, do I want to be more than an aunt someday? Do I want a to feel the love my sister-in-law feels for her child(ren) to my own eventually? Do I want to be (gulp) a mommy?
It's not Matt! By any means, I am not worried about Matt being a father! He would be absolutely astounding as a dad. I saw him when we babysat our nephew and he was so incredible, it really melted my heart.
It's me.
Can I be a mommy? Well, I know I CAN, but would I be any good at it? I'd like to think so, with my previous experience with children. I mean, diapers don't terrify me anymore!
But --- what about my mental health? What would I do about my medications if and when I got pregnant? Would I stop cold turkey? How would I handle that, besides tons of therapy and seeing my psychiatrist about as often as my therapist?
Would I feel the way I did before ---
Anxious even to drive to the store?
Anxious to go in the store?
Paranoid about everyone else's thoughts?
Depressed? Manic? Depressed? Manic?
--- Suicidal?
I don't know, but the idea of facing my mental illness without my medications and the stability that they bring me is even more terrifying than any dirty diaper!
Then if I made it through pregnancy and pumping breast milk without medications, there's still the ever lingering question Matt and I will have as our darling child begins to grow --- Will they be --- like me?
I shouldn't worry about something like that. I am not a bad person, nor do I think I am. And living with bipolar disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, is NOT a death sentence!
But -- Could I, in all honesty, be comfortable bringing another life into this world knowing they may have to face the demons I have faced in my lifetime, if not more, or even worse ones? Could I do that to another life, let alone my own child?
It doesn't feel right when I think about it right now. I wouldn't wish what I have experienced on anyone!
And yet -- I feel grateful at the same time for who I am, and I wouldn't change my experiences or who I am in anyway.
It's not that I am in love with living with bipolar --- I'm just, I guess you would say, at peace with it.
I don't know how long it would take me to be at peace knowing my child may or may not have to live with bipolar disorder as well, but it would be painful. Then again, raising children is painful --- And wonderful, and disgusting, and crazy, and a blessing ---
Well, the good news is, I will not have to worry about being a mommy anytime soon. But with knowing I will be meeting my second nephew pretty soon, it sure does make me wonder what mine and Matt's future holds.
I love being an auntie and I love my nephew so much that I almost can't believe it! I didn't know how I would be able to find more room in my heart for another nephew, but when I found out that she was heading to the hospital, my heart filled with love for the little life that is about to enter the world soon.
Which got me thinking, do I want to be more than an aunt someday? Do I want a to feel the love my sister-in-law feels for her child(ren) to my own eventually? Do I want to be (gulp) a mommy?
It's not Matt! By any means, I am not worried about Matt being a father! He would be absolutely astounding as a dad. I saw him when we babysat our nephew and he was so incredible, it really melted my heart.
It's me.
Can I be a mommy? Well, I know I CAN, but would I be any good at it? I'd like to think so, with my previous experience with children. I mean, diapers don't terrify me anymore!
But --- what about my mental health? What would I do about my medications if and when I got pregnant? Would I stop cold turkey? How would I handle that, besides tons of therapy and seeing my psychiatrist about as often as my therapist?
Would I feel the way I did before ---
Anxious even to drive to the store?
Anxious to go in the store?
Paranoid about everyone else's thoughts?
Depressed? Manic? Depressed? Manic?
--- Suicidal?
I don't know, but the idea of facing my mental illness without my medications and the stability that they bring me is even more terrifying than any dirty diaper!
Then if I made it through pregnancy and pumping breast milk without medications, there's still the ever lingering question Matt and I will have as our darling child begins to grow --- Will they be --- like me?
I shouldn't worry about something like that. I am not a bad person, nor do I think I am. And living with bipolar disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, is NOT a death sentence!
But -- Could I, in all honesty, be comfortable bringing another life into this world knowing they may have to face the demons I have faced in my lifetime, if not more, or even worse ones? Could I do that to another life, let alone my own child?
It doesn't feel right when I think about it right now. I wouldn't wish what I have experienced on anyone!
And yet -- I feel grateful at the same time for who I am, and I wouldn't change my experiences or who I am in anyway.
It's not that I am in love with living with bipolar --- I'm just, I guess you would say, at peace with it.
I don't know how long it would take me to be at peace knowing my child may or may not have to live with bipolar disorder as well, but it would be painful. Then again, raising children is painful --- And wonderful, and disgusting, and crazy, and a blessing ---
Well, the good news is, I will not have to worry about being a mommy anytime soon. But with knowing I will be meeting my second nephew pretty soon, it sure does make me wonder what mine and Matt's future holds.
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