Crossroads
I have come to realize lately that I am at a crossroad in my life.
I'm relatively stable when I keep up with therapy, medication, meditation, sleep and diet, and my psychiatrist regularly.
Now that I am finding myself feeling more positive and in a better place -- What do I do with myself?
My therapist (Sheesh, I love her!) recommended that I make myself a schedule of what I'm going to do that day the night before the day begins. That has been helping me a lot! I love schedules and I often find that if I do not have a reason to get out of bed, I won't, and then I find it easier to slip into the darkness. However, with a schedule for my day, I have a reason to get out of bed.
But... I want more than just a reason. I want a purpose.
Matt and I talked about my purpose for my current decisions within the past couple of days, and I happened to stumble across my reason for what I'm about to do... I want to be independent. I want to be able to survive on my own if, in the circumstance, something (God forbid) were to happen to Matt, or my family. I want to be able to support myself and get out of this overwhelming pile of debt that I have been hiding underneath for way too long.
In addition to financial independence from (mostly) my parents, I want financial freedom! I want to pay off our debt, student loans, not go negative, etc. Then, I want to get a house with Matt, and maybe someday fill that house with a couple of dogs and a couple of kids.
How do I go about achieving this? I have to go back to school. I recently applied for the Associate's program in Medical Billing and Coding at Rasmussen College. It is a 100% online degree, so that takes care of the stress of driving and going in. I also have a lot of free time (big surprise!) so I sit on the internet all day, why not sit on the internet and accomplish something?! This is also a career I can choose to get a Bachelor's degree in and (fingers crossed this all works out) hopefully work from home.
Matt feels good about this positive step in my life, and I do as well.
My biggest fear is that, my therapist pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get really excited about something and be really focused on it for about a week before I get stressed out and give up.
That scares me.
How do I avoid falling into my old routine of starting something, getting so overwhelmed I have a seizure, and quit?
The answer to this is --- I don't entirely know myself yet.
Scary, huh?
It's easy to say how much you want something, but significantly harder to put in the actual work it requires to achieve that "something".
So, here I sit, formerly incredibly confident in myself, and now so beyond confused, stressed, and scared.
Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow so we can chat about all of this, and I can deal with my fears and hopefully move on from them.
For now, I'm going to meditate.
I'm relatively stable when I keep up with therapy, medication, meditation, sleep and diet, and my psychiatrist regularly.
Now that I am finding myself feeling more positive and in a better place -- What do I do with myself?
My therapist (Sheesh, I love her!) recommended that I make myself a schedule of what I'm going to do that day the night before the day begins. That has been helping me a lot! I love schedules and I often find that if I do not have a reason to get out of bed, I won't, and then I find it easier to slip into the darkness. However, with a schedule for my day, I have a reason to get out of bed.
But... I want more than just a reason. I want a purpose.
Matt and I talked about my purpose for my current decisions within the past couple of days, and I happened to stumble across my reason for what I'm about to do... I want to be independent. I want to be able to survive on my own if, in the circumstance, something (God forbid) were to happen to Matt, or my family. I want to be able to support myself and get out of this overwhelming pile of debt that I have been hiding underneath for way too long.
In addition to financial independence from (mostly) my parents, I want financial freedom! I want to pay off our debt, student loans, not go negative, etc. Then, I want to get a house with Matt, and maybe someday fill that house with a couple of dogs and a couple of kids.
How do I go about achieving this? I have to go back to school. I recently applied for the Associate's program in Medical Billing and Coding at Rasmussen College. It is a 100% online degree, so that takes care of the stress of driving and going in. I also have a lot of free time (big surprise!) so I sit on the internet all day, why not sit on the internet and accomplish something?! This is also a career I can choose to get a Bachelor's degree in and (fingers crossed this all works out) hopefully work from home.
Matt feels good about this positive step in my life, and I do as well.
My biggest fear is that, my therapist pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get really excited about something and be really focused on it for about a week before I get stressed out and give up.
That scares me.
How do I avoid falling into my old routine of starting something, getting so overwhelmed I have a seizure, and quit?
The answer to this is --- I don't entirely know myself yet.
Scary, huh?
It's easy to say how much you want something, but significantly harder to put in the actual work it requires to achieve that "something".
So, here I sit, formerly incredibly confident in myself, and now so beyond confused, stressed, and scared.
Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow so we can chat about all of this, and I can deal with my fears and hopefully move on from them.
For now, I'm going to meditate.
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