A heart full of love!

To all the theater lovers out there, name that musical! Haha!

Today, Matt and I got the privilege to meet our newest addition to the family --- our brand new nephew! And if I had to sum up what I think of him in one word, it would have to be "perfect"! And if I had to sum up how I feel about him when I look at that tiny little face, I would have to say "Ican'tstandhowmuchIstinkinglovethisbaby,I'mgoingtodie!Iwantmyown!"

Okay, so that's not all entirely one word, but it is kind of like one word if you say it all really fast!

I am always so certain that I don't want to be a mom --- And then I get around a baby/toddler/child, and I'm dead on the floor.

I freaking want one! Or two! Or 15, but you know let's start with just one. Haha!

My sister-in-law (aka my sister) and her husband told me they were pregnant with their first little love back in 2013 and I was shaking, and near tears! I was so beyond happy for them! They were happy, they were in love, and they were ready!

Yesterday, when I found out my sister went into labor, I felt the same exact rush of emotions (shaking, tears, smiles from ear-to-ear)!

Now, tonight, the memories are flooding back to me of my pregnancy.

Yup, that's right. I was pregnant around the end of the year in 2013. I found out in December and I kept getting some positive and some negative at-home test results. I went to a free clinic and they said I wasn't. Then, I started spotting, and wanted to make sure so I sought out a second opinion and that's when it happened. I saw a little jellybean on a fuzzy black and white screen --- and I was gone. My heart was so full of love for that jellybean and I knew it would be hard and I knew that at times it would seem impossible, but I also knew that my jellybean would be loved beyond belief!

My sister and her husband noticed right away because they knew the signs to look for. Matt was scared, and unsure. My friends called my bluff at a party when I wasn't drinking one night, which I claimed was due to my medications.

I still have the picture of us at that friend's holiday party where I finally began to embrace the idea of mine and Matt's baby. Our baby. And in that photo, I put Matt's hand on my tummy and kissed him softly and told him I loved him.

I can't look at that picture anymore.

I lost the baby three days before Christmas.

I fell into a depression like no other. I cried for days and days.

I had experienced a couple of miscarriages before, but I hadn't known I was pregnant then because I was on the pill and nothing made me think otherwise.

But I had actually seen my jellybean. It was real! Real enough for me.
Matt was not present, so to him, it may well had all just been a dream. He comforted me, the best way he knew how to, but he couldn't save me from the darkness that had surrounded my very existence.

I allowed myself to be swallowed up by the darkness, and it took me a long time to move on from it.

However, whenever someone announces a pregnancy, or posts pictures of their beautiful babies -- I feel green with envy. I feel bad that I feel so jealous/envious, but I'm not going to lie --- It really fucking hurts.

As much as I am terrified about how mine and Matt's children would turn out, I know that more than anything I have always wanted to be a mommy. I just always thought that I would be, there was never any doubt about that. And I want to see Matt as a father. He is absolutely incredible with kids, and he is kind, and he is stern, and he's just amazing to see with children!

Okay, calm down. I'm gooshing all over the place here.

Maybe I'm a little manic and just want something new. Maybe I'm just aching for a baby after meeting my nephew, and babysitting my future cousin's child. I don't know.

I just want to make it work.


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