Out of the Darkness
Yesterday, I had the honor of walking at the Mall of America for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk.
It was amazing, and yet heartbreaking at the same time.
People were wearing shirts with loved one's faces on them, holding up pictures of those who had left us too soon, wearing buttons saying "I walk for... Me.", and so on.
There were huge crowds and so much love and support all in one place was truly moving. People were even holding signs for the walkers that read things like, "You matter!", "You're life is important!", etc.
This brought back a lot of mixed emotions for me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, hug someone, run away from the thoughts it had brought forward in my mind, or just suck it up and smile like everything was okay. Well, I did just that. I went on and pretended everything was okay. But thinking about it and being there makes me feel very differently.
I have been suicidal numerous times in my life, particularly when I fall into my depressive states.
I know what it's like to scream your heart out in a room full of people and have no one hear you, but your own anguish.
I know how it feels to hold that cool blade up to your skin, hoping there will eventually be some sort of relief if you simply just glide it over.
I know how it feels to hurt all over and not know why. The hurt is endless and it is consuming.
I know how it feels to drag your lifeless, empty carcass of a shell into the shower, because it is the one thing you may be able to do that may or may not make you feel somewhat "normal" before you realize you are far from "normal" and you slink your way back under your covers and cry yourself into a sleep that you pray to God will be endless.
I know what it's like to plan how you will do it. I have sat amongst friends and while they talk about their vibrant and happy lives, I sit in silence and count out how many sleeping pills I will have to take so that when I fall asleep during my bath, I will be able to slip under the water without waking up.
I know because I have been there and I fight every day not to go back into the darkness. And damnit it's hard! It is like pushing a freight train uphill.
But you have to! You can't give up on yourself. You can't let the train bowl you over after your knees and arms give out. You have to plant your feet into the ground, pause, catch your breath, and just keep pushing! That freight train won't get one bit lighter, believe me. However, you will get stronger!
And you have to want it! You have to try! You have to push yourself out of bed and down the stairs after your shower. You have to commit to finding the help you deserve and that you need. Because, whether you believe it or not, YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU DO MATTER!
I want to hold anyone who is reading this and feeling like this may be their last night on this planet and just tell them not to give up and that I am always here to talk, or listen! I want to hold you and let you cry for as long as you need! I will not leave your side for one minute!
Please please please PLEASE know how important you are and how much your existence on this earth is needed!
Don't give up. Ever. Please.
I love you.
It was amazing, and yet heartbreaking at the same time.
People were wearing shirts with loved one's faces on them, holding up pictures of those who had left us too soon, wearing buttons saying "I walk for... Me.", and so on.
There were huge crowds and so much love and support all in one place was truly moving. People were even holding signs for the walkers that read things like, "You matter!", "You're life is important!", etc.
This brought back a lot of mixed emotions for me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, hug someone, run away from the thoughts it had brought forward in my mind, or just suck it up and smile like everything was okay. Well, I did just that. I went on and pretended everything was okay. But thinking about it and being there makes me feel very differently.
I have been suicidal numerous times in my life, particularly when I fall into my depressive states.
I know what it's like to scream your heart out in a room full of people and have no one hear you, but your own anguish.
I know how it feels to hold that cool blade up to your skin, hoping there will eventually be some sort of relief if you simply just glide it over.
I know how it feels to hurt all over and not know why. The hurt is endless and it is consuming.
I know how it feels to drag your lifeless, empty carcass of a shell into the shower, because it is the one thing you may be able to do that may or may not make you feel somewhat "normal" before you realize you are far from "normal" and you slink your way back under your covers and cry yourself into a sleep that you pray to God will be endless.
I know what it's like to plan how you will do it. I have sat amongst friends and while they talk about their vibrant and happy lives, I sit in silence and count out how many sleeping pills I will have to take so that when I fall asleep during my bath, I will be able to slip under the water without waking up.
I know because I have been there and I fight every day not to go back into the darkness. And damnit it's hard! It is like pushing a freight train uphill.
But you have to! You can't give up on yourself. You can't let the train bowl you over after your knees and arms give out. You have to plant your feet into the ground, pause, catch your breath, and just keep pushing! That freight train won't get one bit lighter, believe me. However, you will get stronger!
And you have to want it! You have to try! You have to push yourself out of bed and down the stairs after your shower. You have to commit to finding the help you deserve and that you need. Because, whether you believe it or not, YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU DO MATTER!
I want to hold anyone who is reading this and feeling like this may be their last night on this planet and just tell them not to give up and that I am always here to talk, or listen! I want to hold you and let you cry for as long as you need! I will not leave your side for one minute!
Please please please PLEASE know how important you are and how much your existence on this earth is needed!
Don't give up. Ever. Please.
I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment