Life Through My Bipolar Eyes

Going back into adult Jill's past to the time of pubescent (Gross word, I know), emerging teenager Jill. I was in eighth grade... What a crappy time of life. Everything about yourself is changing, and you hate it all. I was very emotional in eighth grade, as I'm sure most of you reading this were as well. It's just a really rough time in an adolescent's life. On top of being very emotional, I listened to a lot of angry music which didn't help my unpleasant disposition. And then to top it all off, a very close friend of mine that went to my church passed away. He inspired me in so many ways, and always had time to give me a hug and a smile. Basically... it broke me. I had never felt so broken in my life. I didn't think I would be able to make it. One particular evening, when the darkness had decide to full on devour every last bit of my soul, I tried to take my life. I overdosed on sleeping pills. A family friend, at the time, brought me to my aunt Gayle...

Yesterday was decent but today has been great! Let's begin with yesterday's events. I passed out on Monday at 8:30pm. That is unheard of in Jill-World, unless I'm sick. But I gloriously slept until 10:39 and I loved every minute of it! My mom woke me up with a phone call that she was at my apartment (don't worry, it was planned, I was just being lazy), so I got up, got dressed and went to let her in. My mom and I had such a nice visit yesterday morning, and she brought Chippy (my parent's Yorkshire Terrier) which was so much fun, but we had to get down to business. We had to prepare for the attorney to call me on Wednesday to fill out the social security disability application over the phone, and we had to dig into my past. And boy did we dig! We scoured the internet, my medical records, doctor appointments, hospitalizations, and my work history to get all of the information (and then some) gathered just to be prepared for any questions that may be asked....

What a day! The day, or should I say the night started off rough for me. I was up late. Mania is in full swing due to bad sleep habits. Yup, sleep has a profound impact on mania and depression. Well, my mania is in effect. I can't sleep, I want to spend money, I want to feel flirty, I want to eat junk food, and the worst of all of this is... I have! I've been staying up until 3:30-4:00am. I have been decent with spending money... I've spent a little, but not so much. But still, I shouldn't be spending ANY! UGH!!! I have been trying to be sexy towards Matt, but we are just not on the same wave length lately. And the worst part about last night, in my opinion, I binged on junk food. Yeah, when I say I binged, I don't mean "Oh my God! Like, I ate half a bag of chips! I'm such a fatty!" I mean I full on binged! When I am stressed or manic, I have a reoccurring eating disorder. I am an overeater, hence the heaviest weight ever... Bleh! So that w...

I don't know about the rest of this world or anyone who reads this, but I am a very judgmental person. I judge others on all kinds of things. The way they drive, dress, talk, eat, what they spend their money on, do to their hair, the music they like, and so on and so forth. I don't know exactly why I judge people, but I have a guess...  I was raised to care about how you look on the outside. To be the best you, despite your circumstances. In other words, to care what everyone else thinks of you, and in return, to think that others care about what you think of them. What a load of bullshit. Ugh! I can't tell you what a waste of time it is to care what others think of you. And I can't tell you how hard it is to stop judging once you've started! The worst part is I used to be so judgmental and then I finally began to tone it down, and then one day, Matt started acting really judgmental towards some people we were sitting by, and I couldn't believe it... M...

Can you guess? You know you're depressed when you have been binge eating late at night because you can't sleep and you are unbelievably stressed out and anxious. Therefore, you weighed in last night at your heaviest weight yet. Yup. That friggin' sucks. Because of last night, I changed what I was doing, because what I was doing obviously got me into that predicament, so doing something else will hopefully get me out of this rut. So, last night I went to bed and was asleep by 10:00. I set up an alarm for 9 o'clock am so I wouldn't sleep all day (like I normally do). In addition to the alarm, I put my phone across the bedroom so I would have to get up when my alarm went off. And when I woke up, I went straight into the kitchen and made my breakfast shake. Talk about a great start to your day! Setting a goal and actually sticking to it! I can tell however that I set too many goals for myself today, some of which included getting all the...

So, I have decided to write about some of my past ups and downs in my blog. Writing about something that happened a few days ago and reliving it, processing it, and putting it away is one thing... Opening up the wounds from the past? That's a whole different ball park. There are a lot of things that have happened in my past that I am in no way proud of, and horribly embarrassed to write about, as well as relive. My past tears my heart open and leaves it to bleed out on the floor, just watching. But the first step in moving on and changing yourself is coming to terms with your past, processing those memories and emotions, and then putting them away, not to be forgotten, but to be forgiven instead. Holy fuck (pardon that)! I am so anxious to write about what has happened to me as well as what I have done in the past. It really does haunt me... I am so scared as to what people will think of me. It's a silly fear, really... The only opinion that matters is mine, but still...

Dear Lady on the other end of the phone, This is not easy for me, telling a stranger why I shouldn't have to work and why I should qualify for social security disability benefits. I've always thought of myself as a strong woman who perseveres through anything life throws my way... That job didn't work out? No problem! On to the next. That job caused seizures? No worries, there's more out there. This job caused panic attacks... Okay... moving on. That job made you slip into a deep depression for days and days? Um... keep your chin up... This job? That job? Back and forth, back and forth. Bouncing around from one thing to the next... I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I may not have the ability to work full time, but I do have the strength to know what I can't do and when I have to say enough is enough! I have pretended for far to long that everything is okay and that this job will be the one that works out... No more! Dear lady on the other end of the phone...

I'm kind of manic right now, but I'm really lacking the motivation, and I wasn't sure why until I spoke on the phone with one of my other mothers. She was kind enough, and brave enough, to tell me I need to get on social security disability benefits. This is the first time anyone has had the courage to tell me that I actually NEED this. I've contemplated this in the past and I've even had a free consultation from an attorney for it. However, I was not prepared for the paperwork I would need at the time because I was not in therapy, and I was still very confident that I would be able to find something that I enjoyed and could stay at long term. Unfortunately, that is not my reality. It's not that I haven't enjoyed most of my jobs, or that I just didn't want to work. My mind rejects the work and it comes out in my body rejecting the work through seizures. So, what does that mean for Jill's reality? The scary part is... I just don't know. ...

Well, the mania is setting in. I can't sleep and it is currently 3:16AM. Not only can I not sleep, but I binge eat a little bit too... Especially popcorn. Not to mention I am watching The Interview on Netflix and drinking a Diet Coke... Yeah that doesn't help with sleep. I don't know if all people living with bipolar disorder are as sensitive to caffeine as I am, but it's bad. So, like I said, not only am I manic, but I've been shitty with the caffeine intake lately... So I'm mostly to blame for this. What's it like to be manic you ask? I feel very frantic... Just because I'm no longer depressed, that doesn't mean mania = happiness. Mania is typically (for me) elevated anxiety and intense hyperactivity. My favorite description of a mind going through a manic phase was well say in the book "Manic" by Terri Cheney. She described her manic ideas this way... "Manic epiphanies are like shooting stars; a flash of brilliance, go...

So this post finds me in a happy place, however I'm not too thrilled to be writing this. It's hard for me to swallow my pride and write about some truly embarrassing and guilt-inducing events. So please bear with me. My therapist wants me to keep writing though, so I will get over it. I had five jobs in the last year... Yikes, that was harder to type than I thought it would be. I probably had 4 jobs the year before that. And I can say that the majority of the jobs I have not left in the ideal way an employee would leave. Quick pause... This is so hard to write about, guys. Okay, continue... The beginning of this week was probably the worst I've felt in about 3-5 years. My psychiatrist had just lowered the dosage of one of my medications and added another one I haven't taken for a few months. So there's going to be some ups and downs when the medications get adjusted, it's unavoidable. On top of that I had a cold. Not really a big deal, but it doesn't h...

I have to do a Valentine's Day post because I am feeling the love tonight! Ok, so first things first... I'm going to say WOW! 134 page views in one day! And the tremendous amount of love and support on my Facebook page! You are all such amazing people! Such blessings in my life and the lives of others. You say I'm brave, but I couldn't do this without your support. So thank you for the outpouring of love! Now, on to the sappy crap. Since it is Valentine's Day, I have to write a post about the man who laughs with me during the day time, and holds me when the darkness sets in. My husband, Matt. For those of you who don't know, Matt and I are high school sweethearts (gag me! It's so cheesy!). This October will mark 10 years of being together, and in August our 3rd wedding anniversary. Matt is a quiet guy. He doesn't open up too much about his feelings and in a sense, we compliment each other that way. He is an introvert and he loves his video ga...

Hi. My name is Jill and I was diagnosed in August of 2008 with bipolar disorder. The first response I typically get from that statement is, "So... You're, like, crazy?" I can't help but chuckle on the inside at this. And believe me, with what my husband has seen he would have to disagree with me, but no, I am not crazy. So what is bipolar disorder? According to http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml "Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives....