Before the bipolar...

Going back into adult Jill's past to the time of pubescent (Gross word, I know), emerging teenager Jill. I was in eighth grade... What a crappy time of life. Everything about yourself is changing, and you hate it all.

I was very emotional in eighth grade, as I'm sure most of you reading this were as well. It's just a really rough time in an adolescent's life.

On top of being very emotional, I listened to a lot of angry music which didn't help my unpleasant disposition. And then to top it all off, a very close friend of mine that went to my church passed away. He inspired me in so many ways, and always had time to give me a hug and a smile. Basically... it broke me. I had never felt so broken in my life. I didn't think I would be able to make it.

One particular evening, when the darkness had decide to full on devour every last bit of my soul, I tried to take my life. I overdosed on sleeping pills.

A family friend, at the time, brought me to my aunt Gayle's house (my parents were out for the night, and Gayle was like another mother to me) to be with until my parents got home. Don't worry, they called poison control and I honestly told them how many I took. I would be okay, really tired, but okay.

It was disappointing to hear.

But Gayle, she was amazing. She wasn't even mad at me. It was almost as if... she understood why I did it, like she could relate to me.

From what I remember of our conversation, between the "I'm still awake"-state and the heavy blanket of "I'm going to pass out now", she told me of her struggles and why she chose to live her life.

For those of you who didn't know my aunt Gayle, she was ill and suffered torment from bullies as a child as well as constant pain most of her adult life. She died too young, but it was almost (it hurts my heart to say this) a relief to see her go. Just to know she wouldn't be in pain anymore...

I don't want to share here some of the things she told me. I'm sorry, but it was a special moment that only an Aunt and a Niece can share together.

Basically, I learned that life is worth living. Every life. No matter what your struggle is, it is never bad enough to take your own life, despite how you may feel!

I know it may feel like you are in the worst situation possible, and that this mountain is just to big to climb... but trust me, once you get over the peak, you will look back and see it was just a bump in the road.

I know it sounds far fetched, but it is the truth.

And if you need to talk confidentially... call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

 My therapist gave me this gem... I love it...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why?

Why do I let you consume my life at times and enter my mind? Maybe it's because you have wronged me worse than anyone ever has in my life. Why do I let the horrible things you say to us overwhelm me and make me feel like I could just break down and cry? Because you have not only picked a fight with me, but my husband as well. Why do I let you get away with things that I know are not okay? Because I think you are my friend, or are you? Why am I even giving any of you the time of day at this very moment?! Because sometimes the negativity in this world is overwhelming. And it overwhelms me to see people post and share and tweet and whatever such harmful and negative things. How can one see only the bad in a situation? How can one only focus on the bad one may be doing? What is the good? Where is the good? I feel so often, lately, as if I am drowning in a sea of blackness with all of your negative remarks and comments. How do you hold your head above water? I do it long enough...
Read more

The person I want to be

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and asked yourself, "how did I get here?" I'm having one of those nights tonight. I've been having a long talk with God and I feel frustrated because I just feel like I'm talking in circles and rambling on and on. It's like... Uhhh! Enough already! I'm really new with my faith and I'm extremely new at having conversations with God. (I would love to tell my coming-to-faith story, but we will save that for another day!) I've found myself in a predicament lately because I've been taking really good care of my skin, hair, nails, feet, but not really what goes into my body... the core of it all. A friend of mine and I just started a weight loss challenge, and both of us were doing great on our nutrition plans before that, but for some reason, when the challenge hit... (I can't speak for her) I froze. I panicked and felt as if I wouldn't be good enough... As if I didn't deserv...
Read more

With courage comes peace

The title says it all... I've tackled some tough issues this week, and because of my courage to handle these issues, I have found a sense of peace. After Thursday, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't want Matt to go back to work and after he left, I crashed. Granted, I was very exhausted, so that probably played a big part in it, however, I fell into the darkness. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to fall off the precipice I had been balancing on for the past several months. I was lonely. I was broken into a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and there was little to no chance I would be able to put myself back together. Matt called me and I snapped at him and hung up. I was angry at the situation, not him, but I took it out on him. It was wrong, and I realized that shortly after. I began to pour out my heart to him via text message. I told him how much I hated him being on third shift. How angry I was at how little he was making with all of the experience he has. ...
Read more