Out of the darkness, into the mania.
Well, the mania is setting in.
I can't sleep and it is currently 3:16AM. Not only can I not sleep, but I binge eat a little bit too... Especially popcorn. Not to mention I am watching The Interview on Netflix and drinking a Diet Coke... Yeah that doesn't help with sleep. I don't know if all people living with bipolar disorder are as sensitive to caffeine as I am, but it's bad.
So, like I said, not only am I manic, but I've been shitty with the caffeine intake lately... So I'm mostly to blame for this.
What's it like to be manic you ask?
I feel very frantic...
Just because I'm no longer depressed, that doesn't mean mania = happiness. Mania is typically (for me) elevated anxiety and intense hyperactivity.
My favorite description of a mind going through a manic phase was well say in the book "Manic" by Terri Cheney. She described her manic ideas this way...
"Manic epiphanies are like shooting stars; a flash of brilliance, gone in an instant."
How beautiful is that? And how true it is. (And if you are looking for a fascinating read, check out "Manic" by Terri Cheney. It's pretty intense, but it is an eye opener!) I frequent the manic epiphanies.
My favorite is when I dream in my mania phase... I have all of these dreams that I am going to write a novel, or be discovered at a karaoke bar singing a specific song, or move to New York and get on Broadway. But when I wake up... I think again about my manic dreams, and I realize that they aren't exactly the most realistic/brilliant ideas. So I have manic dream epiphanies, but I also have manic epiphanies while I'm awake. For instance, right now I can feel my mind racing, but my eyes are heavy, and all I can think about it cleaning the whole kitchen top to bottom. In fact, I may clean out the oven tonight... er... today.
The other obstacle I need to avoid when I'm manic is the online shopping game. And yes, it is a game. It's a game of how much useless junk can Jill buy within and hour. I tend to release my mania through spending money... a lot of money. I mean I've never bought thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but the worst I've done was a little more than $700 worth of make up and junk at Sephora once. I had to divide it between two credit cards. Don't believe me? Ask my friend Jill. She was there.
It's been a while since I've spent over $500 while manic, but I tend to visit my usual shopping grounds... Torrid, Groupon, Etsy... Bad news bears, man. Bad. News. Bears.
Another problem I have had in the past with my manic phases is being too sexual. When I'm manic, I want to be flirted with, which doesn't sound so awful because hey, I have a husband, right? Wrong. Well, yeah I have a husband, but I don't want him to flirt with me... I want strangers to flirt with me. I want to be sexy and I want to feel attractive. I've never cheated, don't get me wrong. But I have been too flirty for comfort. When I think about it the next day, I know I shouldn't have done that, and Matt has brought that to my attention before as well.
It's hard, because I love my husband. I don't want to cheat on him. I don't want to flirt with other people. But it's like another person takes over my body... my alter ego... I don't really have a name for her, but I feel like Matt and I should name my personalities... Then it may be a little more humorous when he calls me by those names when I'm in that specific mood.
Yeah... Now I'm rambling. The joys of a blog. I can write and write and write and it doesn't matter, as long as I get some of these thoughts out that are bouncing around in my head.
We used to get assigned free writing assignments when I went to Anoka-Ramsey Community College in Cambridge. I really enjoyed doing it, but I don't feel I ever said anything worth while. Just whatever popped into my head, and believe me it was RANDOM!
Story of my life.
I can't sleep and it is currently 3:16AM. Not only can I not sleep, but I binge eat a little bit too... Especially popcorn. Not to mention I am watching The Interview on Netflix and drinking a Diet Coke... Yeah that doesn't help with sleep. I don't know if all people living with bipolar disorder are as sensitive to caffeine as I am, but it's bad.
So, like I said, not only am I manic, but I've been shitty with the caffeine intake lately... So I'm mostly to blame for this.
What's it like to be manic you ask?
I feel very frantic...
Just because I'm no longer depressed, that doesn't mean mania = happiness. Mania is typically (for me) elevated anxiety and intense hyperactivity.
My favorite description of a mind going through a manic phase was well say in the book "Manic" by Terri Cheney. She described her manic ideas this way...
"Manic epiphanies are like shooting stars; a flash of brilliance, gone in an instant."
How beautiful is that? And how true it is. (And if you are looking for a fascinating read, check out "Manic" by Terri Cheney. It's pretty intense, but it is an eye opener!) I frequent the manic epiphanies.
My favorite is when I dream in my mania phase... I have all of these dreams that I am going to write a novel, or be discovered at a karaoke bar singing a specific song, or move to New York and get on Broadway. But when I wake up... I think again about my manic dreams, and I realize that they aren't exactly the most realistic/brilliant ideas. So I have manic dream epiphanies, but I also have manic epiphanies while I'm awake. For instance, right now I can feel my mind racing, but my eyes are heavy, and all I can think about it cleaning the whole kitchen top to bottom. In fact, I may clean out the oven tonight... er... today.
The other obstacle I need to avoid when I'm manic is the online shopping game. And yes, it is a game. It's a game of how much useless junk can Jill buy within and hour. I tend to release my mania through spending money... a lot of money. I mean I've never bought thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but the worst I've done was a little more than $700 worth of make up and junk at Sephora once. I had to divide it between two credit cards. Don't believe me? Ask my friend Jill. She was there.
It's been a while since I've spent over $500 while manic, but I tend to visit my usual shopping grounds... Torrid, Groupon, Etsy... Bad news bears, man. Bad. News. Bears.
Another problem I have had in the past with my manic phases is being too sexual. When I'm manic, I want to be flirted with, which doesn't sound so awful because hey, I have a husband, right? Wrong. Well, yeah I have a husband, but I don't want him to flirt with me... I want strangers to flirt with me. I want to be sexy and I want to feel attractive. I've never cheated, don't get me wrong. But I have been too flirty for comfort. When I think about it the next day, I know I shouldn't have done that, and Matt has brought that to my attention before as well.
It's hard, because I love my husband. I don't want to cheat on him. I don't want to flirt with other people. But it's like another person takes over my body... my alter ego... I don't really have a name for her, but I feel like Matt and I should name my personalities... Then it may be a little more humorous when he calls me by those names when I'm in that specific mood.
Yeah... Now I'm rambling. The joys of a blog. I can write and write and write and it doesn't matter, as long as I get some of these thoughts out that are bouncing around in my head.
We used to get assigned free writing assignments when I went to Anoka-Ramsey Community College in Cambridge. I really enjoyed doing it, but I don't feel I ever said anything worth while. Just whatever popped into my head, and believe me it was RANDOM!
Story of my life.
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