Facing the grief.
I'm kind of manic right now, but I'm really lacking the motivation, and I wasn't sure why until I spoke on the phone with one of my other mothers.
She was kind enough, and brave enough, to tell me I need to get on social security disability benefits. This is the first time anyone has had the courage to tell me that I actually NEED this. I've contemplated this in the past and I've even had a free consultation from an attorney for it. However, I was not prepared for the paperwork I would need at the time because I was not in therapy, and I was still very confident that I would be able to find something that I enjoyed and could stay at long term.
Unfortunately, that is not my reality. It's not that I haven't enjoyed most of my jobs, or that I just didn't want to work. My mind rejects the work and it comes out in my body rejecting the work through seizures.
So, what does that mean for Jill's reality?
The scary part is... I just don't know.
My at first hesitant, but very supportive father is now looking into the disability benefits for me. If you know my dad, you would know what a big step that is for him. He's not one to ask for help or to want his children to be labeled in any way. It really means a lot to me, and I'm hoping for the best.
I'm a little scared about not working and I'm anxious about the application process and the appeals for the disability, but like Kristine said to me today, I'm in a better place in my life now and I'm ready. I'm ready to start living again. I'm ready to move past all of the negative self-talk and guilt I have been carrying with me for so very long now. I'm just... ready.
My eyes are teary right now. It's an amazing thing to find peace in your life, to ask for help when you need it, and to be strong enough to admit when you just can't do it all.
Kristine also brought to my attention the grieving process that I will need to face for the life I thought I would be living. We are not saying my life won't be happy, fulfilling, or anything like that! It just won't be what I had expected it to be all of my life. And that's okay. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
Let's be honest though... The scariest part for me is being bored. Bad things happen when I get bored. So, I have decided to focus on my mental and physical health and well-being for the moment. I'm finally going to stop people pleasing and start taking care of myself.
My therapist asked me two simple questions last Tuesday... "What makes Jill happy?" and "What makes me proud of me?"
I had no answers. I could not think of one thing that would make me happy or that I was proud of myself about.
What a truly awful way to see yourself! It hurts my heart to hear I liked nothing about myself.
Today, I wrote 4 things to each question my therapist asked. My goal is to now get more than 5 by Friday (my next therapy appointment).
I got this.
She was kind enough, and brave enough, to tell me I need to get on social security disability benefits. This is the first time anyone has had the courage to tell me that I actually NEED this. I've contemplated this in the past and I've even had a free consultation from an attorney for it. However, I was not prepared for the paperwork I would need at the time because I was not in therapy, and I was still very confident that I would be able to find something that I enjoyed and could stay at long term.
Unfortunately, that is not my reality. It's not that I haven't enjoyed most of my jobs, or that I just didn't want to work. My mind rejects the work and it comes out in my body rejecting the work through seizures.
So, what does that mean for Jill's reality?
The scary part is... I just don't know.
My at first hesitant, but very supportive father is now looking into the disability benefits for me. If you know my dad, you would know what a big step that is for him. He's not one to ask for help or to want his children to be labeled in any way. It really means a lot to me, and I'm hoping for the best.
I'm a little scared about not working and I'm anxious about the application process and the appeals for the disability, but like Kristine said to me today, I'm in a better place in my life now and I'm ready. I'm ready to start living again. I'm ready to move past all of the negative self-talk and guilt I have been carrying with me for so very long now. I'm just... ready.
My eyes are teary right now. It's an amazing thing to find peace in your life, to ask for help when you need it, and to be strong enough to admit when you just can't do it all.
Kristine also brought to my attention the grieving process that I will need to face for the life I thought I would be living. We are not saying my life won't be happy, fulfilling, or anything like that! It just won't be what I had expected it to be all of my life. And that's okay. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
Let's be honest though... The scariest part for me is being bored. Bad things happen when I get bored. So, I have decided to focus on my mental and physical health and well-being for the moment. I'm finally going to stop people pleasing and start taking care of myself.
My therapist asked me two simple questions last Tuesday... "What makes Jill happy?" and "What makes me proud of me?"
I had no answers. I could not think of one thing that would make me happy or that I was proud of myself about.
What a truly awful way to see yourself! It hurts my heart to hear I liked nothing about myself.
Today, I wrote 4 things to each question my therapist asked. My goal is to now get more than 5 by Friday (my next therapy appointment).
I got this.
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