Stressed and blessed.
So this post finds me in a happy place, however I'm not too thrilled to be writing this. It's hard for me to swallow my pride and write about some truly embarrassing and guilt-inducing events. So please bear with me. My therapist wants me to keep writing though, so I will get over it.
I had five jobs in the last year... Yikes, that was harder to type than I thought it would be. I probably had 4 jobs the year before that. And I can say that the majority of the jobs I have not left in the ideal way an employee would leave.
Quick pause... This is so hard to write about, guys. Okay, continue...
The beginning of this week was probably the worst I've felt in about 3-5 years. My psychiatrist had just lowered the dosage of one of my medications and added another one I haven't taken for a few months. So there's going to be some ups and downs when the medications get adjusted, it's unavoidable. On top of that I had a cold. Not really a big deal, but it doesn't help when you're going on a downward spiral towards the darkness. I was scheduled to work Valentine's Day. Again, not really a big deal, but when you're meds are adjusted, the anxiety is amped up and you start to panic about the future and what it will be like (even if you've done it before and it has been fine. Your imagination literally runs away from your reasoning and can't be dragged back no matter how hard you try).
So all of these little snowflakes (problems), if you will, have fallen on the ground around me. A level-minded person, who has a better grasp of reality and reason would have simply put on their boots and trudged through the snow, one step at a time. I, however, saw the snowflakes on the ground and it overwhelmed me to a debilitating point. I laid down in the snow, wrapped my arms around my knees and began to cry. By stopping life altogether, more snowflakes (problems) fell around and upon me while I lie there crying. By the time my voice of reason was no longer a distant relative and was finally back with me, I couldn't do anything it told me to do because so much snow had fallen on top of me, it was literally crushing my body. So the internal battle ensued. My reason screamed at me, adding to the guilt I was feeling, while my anxiety over the guilt I was feeling grew and grew. Until finally, I had a stress-induced seizure.
I have had stress-induced seizures before. I have been hospitalized for them, I have been screened for epilepsy, brain tumors, and so much more. But nothing has been found. My therapist believes that I can work for so long before my mind begins to reject the work and the stress of it all it literally forces my body to reject the work by causing me to have seizures.
As if all of this isn't bad enough, try to imagine not being able to support your husband financially. Not being able to carry your weight of the work. Especially, when you are in a large amount of credit card debt (also thanks to the mania that tends to follow the depression). Then you begin to think about your parents, who you have told time and time again that this job will be the one. I will power through it. I can do it.
Except... I can't.
It's not that I don't want to, by any means. I know I'm not a freeloader, and I would hope you wouldn't think that of me, but I can understand why you would. Because now I'm starting to feel that way about myself.
Enter in the self-resentment.
Now is usually the time I can't stand myself so much, I just stop. I stop caring. I stop going to work. I stop eating. I stop taking care of myself. If I could stop breathing, I probably would.
Don't misunderstand me, please. I am not suicidal by any means. I simply wish to no longer exist. And yes, there is a difference.
So, what do you do from here? I've obviously lost my job. My husband is now stressed beyond belief. The guilt is constantly clouding your mind.. What do I do?
Breathe. In and out. Focus on it. Make breathing your only priority.
Once, you feel the weight of your problems and guilt being lifted off your chest by a good chunk of time of deep breathing, the next step is to get up and do something to take care of yourself. My first instinct is to eat something home cooked. (What can I say I'm a foodie. Don't judge.) Thank God I have such an amazing support system in my husband. He offers to cook me something typically and so I eat.
After that, my head feels a little more clear. So I take this time to take care of myself and get cleaned up. What is it about a hot shower that makes us feel so damn good?
So, now you need to face your problems. What you choose to do next is completely up to you, but I will tell you what I did. I made two appointments with my therapist. The first one, to cry and complain. The second one, to own up and make a plan. From there, I accepted my fate with my job, and moved on quickly. I began exploring my options and I even reached out to NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) in Minnesota.
The worst part about all of this was not having my second biggest support around. My mom. I was too proud to tell her I left my job and I was so depressed. So I knew that the next step was for me to call her and tell her the truth.
Then, I had to hear Matt out and face how badly I have now added to his stress levels.
This was, by far, one of the worst parts. I hate seeing my husband in such turmoil, especially when I know it was my fault.
Matt was so down, he even suggested moving back in with my parents to save money and pay off our debt, which he has never suggested before. But after a while of thinking on it and talking about it, we decided that most likely was our best bet for some stability and some security. So, at the end of April we are moving out and moving back up to North Branch with my parents... (Taking a big bite of humble pie right now.)
So we spent most of our Valentine's Day feeling bitter and frustrated toward one another and our situation, because this is NOT ideal. Fortunately, if there is one thing that Matt and I are great at as a couple, it's bouncing back. We turned our night around and laughed, drank (free booze!), had a great night and went to bed happy.
And today, God blessed us in many ways. Matt's dad has decided to generously give each one of his children some money to help us all through right now. I don't know if he knows how much this will help us, but I know by the look of peace on Matt's face. And that is enough to make any wife happy. Then, I called my parents to share our joy with them and discuss some moving details, and found out that my dad has decided to look into some assistance for me with my mental illness to help us out and to give us a steady source of income. My parents and brother also expressed how much they loved me and weren't upset at me for what happened this week.
I don't know. Family is truly God's gift, and Matt and I feel overwhelmed with love and support. I don't know where we would be without our families.
Not sure how to sum this up. I started off crabby about writing this, and now I'm smiling.
I think my therapist was right.
I had five jobs in the last year... Yikes, that was harder to type than I thought it would be. I probably had 4 jobs the year before that. And I can say that the majority of the jobs I have not left in the ideal way an employee would leave.
Quick pause... This is so hard to write about, guys. Okay, continue...
The beginning of this week was probably the worst I've felt in about 3-5 years. My psychiatrist had just lowered the dosage of one of my medications and added another one I haven't taken for a few months. So there's going to be some ups and downs when the medications get adjusted, it's unavoidable. On top of that I had a cold. Not really a big deal, but it doesn't help when you're going on a downward spiral towards the darkness. I was scheduled to work Valentine's Day. Again, not really a big deal, but when you're meds are adjusted, the anxiety is amped up and you start to panic about the future and what it will be like (even if you've done it before and it has been fine. Your imagination literally runs away from your reasoning and can't be dragged back no matter how hard you try).
So all of these little snowflakes (problems), if you will, have fallen on the ground around me. A level-minded person, who has a better grasp of reality and reason would have simply put on their boots and trudged through the snow, one step at a time. I, however, saw the snowflakes on the ground and it overwhelmed me to a debilitating point. I laid down in the snow, wrapped my arms around my knees and began to cry. By stopping life altogether, more snowflakes (problems) fell around and upon me while I lie there crying. By the time my voice of reason was no longer a distant relative and was finally back with me, I couldn't do anything it told me to do because so much snow had fallen on top of me, it was literally crushing my body. So the internal battle ensued. My reason screamed at me, adding to the guilt I was feeling, while my anxiety over the guilt I was feeling grew and grew. Until finally, I had a stress-induced seizure.
I have had stress-induced seizures before. I have been hospitalized for them, I have been screened for epilepsy, brain tumors, and so much more. But nothing has been found. My therapist believes that I can work for so long before my mind begins to reject the work and the stress of it all it literally forces my body to reject the work by causing me to have seizures.
As if all of this isn't bad enough, try to imagine not being able to support your husband financially. Not being able to carry your weight of the work. Especially, when you are in a large amount of credit card debt (also thanks to the mania that tends to follow the depression). Then you begin to think about your parents, who you have told time and time again that this job will be the one. I will power through it. I can do it.
Except... I can't.
It's not that I don't want to, by any means. I know I'm not a freeloader, and I would hope you wouldn't think that of me, but I can understand why you would. Because now I'm starting to feel that way about myself.
Enter in the self-resentment.
Now is usually the time I can't stand myself so much, I just stop. I stop caring. I stop going to work. I stop eating. I stop taking care of myself. If I could stop breathing, I probably would.
Don't misunderstand me, please. I am not suicidal by any means. I simply wish to no longer exist. And yes, there is a difference.
So, what do you do from here? I've obviously lost my job. My husband is now stressed beyond belief. The guilt is constantly clouding your mind.. What do I do?
Breathe. In and out. Focus on it. Make breathing your only priority.
Once, you feel the weight of your problems and guilt being lifted off your chest by a good chunk of time of deep breathing, the next step is to get up and do something to take care of yourself. My first instinct is to eat something home cooked. (What can I say I'm a foodie. Don't judge.) Thank God I have such an amazing support system in my husband. He offers to cook me something typically and so I eat.
After that, my head feels a little more clear. So I take this time to take care of myself and get cleaned up. What is it about a hot shower that makes us feel so damn good?
So, now you need to face your problems. What you choose to do next is completely up to you, but I will tell you what I did. I made two appointments with my therapist. The first one, to cry and complain. The second one, to own up and make a plan. From there, I accepted my fate with my job, and moved on quickly. I began exploring my options and I even reached out to NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) in Minnesota.
The worst part about all of this was not having my second biggest support around. My mom. I was too proud to tell her I left my job and I was so depressed. So I knew that the next step was for me to call her and tell her the truth.
Then, I had to hear Matt out and face how badly I have now added to his stress levels.
This was, by far, one of the worst parts. I hate seeing my husband in such turmoil, especially when I know it was my fault.
Matt was so down, he even suggested moving back in with my parents to save money and pay off our debt, which he has never suggested before. But after a while of thinking on it and talking about it, we decided that most likely was our best bet for some stability and some security. So, at the end of April we are moving out and moving back up to North Branch with my parents... (Taking a big bite of humble pie right now.)
So we spent most of our Valentine's Day feeling bitter and frustrated toward one another and our situation, because this is NOT ideal. Fortunately, if there is one thing that Matt and I are great at as a couple, it's bouncing back. We turned our night around and laughed, drank (free booze!), had a great night and went to bed happy.
And today, God blessed us in many ways. Matt's dad has decided to generously give each one of his children some money to help us all through right now. I don't know if he knows how much this will help us, but I know by the look of peace on Matt's face. And that is enough to make any wife happy. Then, I called my parents to share our joy with them and discuss some moving details, and found out that my dad has decided to look into some assistance for me with my mental illness to help us out and to give us a steady source of income. My parents and brother also expressed how much they loved me and weren't upset at me for what happened this week.
I don't know. Family is truly God's gift, and Matt and I feel overwhelmed with love and support. I don't know where we would be without our families.
Not sure how to sum this up. I started off crabby about writing this, and now I'm smiling.
I think my therapist was right.
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