What did you expect?
What a day!
The day, or should I say the night started off rough for me. I was up late. Mania is in full swing due to bad sleep habits. Yup, sleep has a profound impact on mania and depression.
Well, my mania is in effect. I can't sleep, I want to spend money, I want to feel flirty, I want to eat junk food, and the worst of all of this is... I have!
I've been staying up until 3:30-4:00am. I have been decent with spending money... I've spent a little, but not so much. But still, I shouldn't be spending ANY! UGH!!! I have been trying to be sexy towards Matt, but we are just not on the same wave length lately. And the worst part about last night, in my opinion, I binged on junk food.
Yeah, when I say I binged, I don't mean "Oh my God! Like, I ate half a bag of chips! I'm such a fatty!"
I mean I full on binged! When I am stressed or manic, I have a reoccurring eating disorder. I am an overeater, hence the heaviest weight ever... Bleh!
So that was a rough night. On to the morning.
I woke up late... yup.
Then my parents came over. GREAT! I love my parents and I love hanging out with them. We actually have a really good relationship, currently. Then the attorney came over to discuss and answer questions about the disability benefits. Awesome! It was great to get a lot of our questions answered. And we all felt better when she left.
So the morning is going completely better than the night before.
My parents and I grab some brunch and we are laughing, having a grand time! So, great!
Then, I get home and I log in to my social security and find out an approximate amount of how much I will possibly earn every month from social security... It is not a lot. Not a lot at all.
I spiral wondering about the 'what if's' of the situation. What if we want to have kids? How will we afford them? What if we want to live in Woodbury again? What if, what if, what if?! I begin to panic... The darkness pools around my ankles, beginning to rise, slowly up to my calves. UGH! FML! Then, I begin to think about some of the things from my past that I may want to eventually write about for you guys to read... And that scares the crap out of me and sends another bolt of panic right up my spine! The darkness is passing knees.
I text my therapist and she recommends something great about writing in blog. My mom tells me to stay calm. And then there's Matt... I tell him the possible amount of the social security I would receive and he says , "Okay."
Okay? OKAY?! How can you say okay? This is our future!!
The darkness sets in around my hips, and Matt can tell. He holds my hand and as I sob, "If you want to leave me so you can be a daddy to a baby with someone else, I understand... Because we won't be able to afford children..." He says, "Shut up! I love you and I want you."
The darkness that was closing in around my throat, ready to drown me in sorrow, dissipates instantly.
The love this man has for me, and the love I have for him will save me every single time.
We may still have children, but we are preparing not being able to... In which case, we will have two dogs who will be our fur babies... (Well, Matt won't treat his dog like a baby, but I would be perfectly fine with dogs!) No matter what happens, Matt and Jill are going to be together through it all. And that makes me happy and gives me immeasurable peace of mind.
Then, I had a talk with Matt about our current diet and exercise habits... or lack thereof, and we have agreed that we will not live like this anymore.
Move aside world, Matt and Jill Anderson are coming FULL FORCE!
The day, or should I say the night started off rough for me. I was up late. Mania is in full swing due to bad sleep habits. Yup, sleep has a profound impact on mania and depression.
Well, my mania is in effect. I can't sleep, I want to spend money, I want to feel flirty, I want to eat junk food, and the worst of all of this is... I have!
I've been staying up until 3:30-4:00am. I have been decent with spending money... I've spent a little, but not so much. But still, I shouldn't be spending ANY! UGH!!! I have been trying to be sexy towards Matt, but we are just not on the same wave length lately. And the worst part about last night, in my opinion, I binged on junk food.
Yeah, when I say I binged, I don't mean "Oh my God! Like, I ate half a bag of chips! I'm such a fatty!"
I mean I full on binged! When I am stressed or manic, I have a reoccurring eating disorder. I am an overeater, hence the heaviest weight ever... Bleh!
So that was a rough night. On to the morning.
I woke up late... yup.
Then my parents came over. GREAT! I love my parents and I love hanging out with them. We actually have a really good relationship, currently. Then the attorney came over to discuss and answer questions about the disability benefits. Awesome! It was great to get a lot of our questions answered. And we all felt better when she left.
So the morning is going completely better than the night before.
My parents and I grab some brunch and we are laughing, having a grand time! So, great!
Then, I get home and I log in to my social security and find out an approximate amount of how much I will possibly earn every month from social security... It is not a lot. Not a lot at all.
I spiral wondering about the 'what if's' of the situation. What if we want to have kids? How will we afford them? What if we want to live in Woodbury again? What if, what if, what if?! I begin to panic... The darkness pools around my ankles, beginning to rise, slowly up to my calves. UGH! FML! Then, I begin to think about some of the things from my past that I may want to eventually write about for you guys to read... And that scares the crap out of me and sends another bolt of panic right up my spine! The darkness is passing knees.
I text my therapist and she recommends something great about writing in blog. My mom tells me to stay calm. And then there's Matt... I tell him the possible amount of the social security I would receive and he says , "Okay."
Okay? OKAY?! How can you say okay? This is our future!!
The darkness sets in around my hips, and Matt can tell. He holds my hand and as I sob, "If you want to leave me so you can be a daddy to a baby with someone else, I understand... Because we won't be able to afford children..." He says, "Shut up! I love you and I want you."
The darkness that was closing in around my throat, ready to drown me in sorrow, dissipates instantly.
The love this man has for me, and the love I have for him will save me every single time.
We may still have children, but we are preparing not being able to... In which case, we will have two dogs who will be our fur babies... (Well, Matt won't treat his dog like a baby, but I would be perfectly fine with dogs!) No matter what happens, Matt and Jill are going to be together through it all. And that makes me happy and gives me immeasurable peace of mind.
Then, I had a talk with Matt about our current diet and exercise habits... or lack thereof, and we have agreed that we will not live like this anymore.
Move aside world, Matt and Jill Anderson are coming FULL FORCE!
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