You know you're depressed when...

Can you guess?

You know you're depressed when you have been binge eating late at night because you can't sleep and you are unbelievably stressed out and anxious. Therefore, you weighed in last night at your heaviest weight yet.

Yup.

That friggin' sucks.

Because of last night, I changed what I was doing, because what I was doing obviously got me into that predicament, so doing something else will hopefully get me out of this rut.

So, last night I went to bed and was asleep by 10:00.

I set up an alarm for 9 o'clock am so I wouldn't sleep all day (like I normally do).

In addition to the alarm, I put my phone across the bedroom so I would have to get up when my alarm went off.

And when I woke up, I went straight into the kitchen and made my breakfast shake.

Talk about a great start to your day! Setting a goal and actually sticking to it!

I can tell however that I set too many goals for myself today, some of which included getting all the rest of the cleaning done, cutting up vegetables, going to the gym for an hour, and tracking all of my food for the day.

It's important to start small and take baby steps, and if you mess up, no biggie! Just start fresh tomorrow! Just don't do what I tend to do and let the negative thoughts set in and get the best of you when you don't do everything you planned to do. When the negative thoughts start to win, the guilt comes on and then I tend to fall into the darkness. It's easy to do, unfortunately.

I was asked once in a psychology class by an amazing professor to write down 20 bad things that happened to you just in that day. I thought finding 20 bad things about my day would be hard, but I came to find it was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. She then asked us to take another piece of paper and write down 10 good things that had happened to us in the past three days. I think I thought of 4.

Knowing what I know about myself now, it doesn't really surprise me. I am a pessimist, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. My therapist and I are just beginning to dig into that part of my life, and hopefully change it for the better.

But I dwell within that negative dark space in my head. It's really pretty awful, the thoughts I have about myself. I even made one of my old therapists cry once when I was talking about myself. She couldn't believe how little I thought of myself.

Well, enough is enough! I done having a pity party for one, and I'm ready to start appreciating the loving, caring, and funny woman I really am. 

That negativity, that darkness, that pessimist... that's not me. It's not who I want to be. 

So, when the negativity starts to creep in my mind, I try my best to say "Hold up! Jill, you are better than this!" Followed by at least one positive thing about myself. It's not easy, and it did NOT work the first few times I tried it after my therapist suggested it. But with practice, that one good thing about myself is becoming easier and easier to say, and that makes me feel... happy! And my husband and I like a happy Jill!

And trust me, I don't always win against the negative thoughts. Sometimes one happy thought is just not enough when you, people, and the world have instilled in you such negativity. 

But just like my weight loss journey... it's the baby steps that make the difference.